When You Miss Someone (An ex, a friend, a family member)
Most of us have been in a position in which we had to say goodbye to someone dear to us. This could be because of the cycle of life and death. But this could also be because of a breakup or being separated from friends by moving to another country. When we’re strongly attached to someone, the separation can hurt a lot and often goes together with feelings of nostalgia and grief.
In this video, I’d like to share a few philosophical ideas that might be helpful to cope.
(1) Contemplate impermanence. It strikes me how many people long for permanence in an impermanent universe. This is especially true when it comes to attachments to other people. When something feels good, we want to stay in that situation as long as possible. So, when we are attached to loved ones, we do not want these bonds to ever end. The reality is that everything comes and goes, and so do people.
The thing is that impermanence is what makes life possible and, also, appealing. Imagine that their presence was permanent; then this would mean that they have always been here and will never cease to exist. They are never born and never die. They would be unchanging, static, and completely predictable.
What's the appeal of that? As humans, we aren't attracted to the unchanged. What attracts us is the uncertainty, and in a relationship with another person, we bond in the face of a universe that is completely out of control; including ourselves. But the nature of change also means that people change; they change interests, change preferences, change the places they live, age, get sick, and die.
This is the sacrifice we all make in entropy, and that is a reason to fully enjoy our loved ones when they are here, but accept that, one day, the inevitable change will remove them from our lives. Here is a quote from Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh: "If we are not empty, we become a block of matter. We cannot breathe, we cannot think. To be empty means to be alive, to breathe in and to breathe out. We cannot be alive if we are not empty. Emptiness is impermanence, it is change. We should not complain about impermanence, because without impermanence, nothing is possible."
(2) Remove entitlement. Life didn’t come with any promises. The universe has given you what you have, and you aren’t entitled to anything more than what’s coming to you. This may sound a bit harsh, but nature has never promised you things like a long-lasting stable marriage or a big social circle. Perhaps society makes us believe that we deserve a number of things in our lives, including certain people, but the reality is that we don't.
When we miss someone, we are dissatisfied with the situation of not having this person in our lives. Especially after a breakup, we sometimes feel that we have the right to be with that person and their absence disturbs us. But in the grand scheme of things, we don't own people - it's just our turn to be with them. Some stick around for life, but the majority are just passengers.
According to Stoic philosopher Epictetus, we should treat life as a dinner party, by simply enjoying what we get from it, but accept the things that pass us by. I quote: "Is anything brought around to you? Put out your hand and take your share with moderation. Does it pass by you? Don't stop it. Is it not yet come? Don't stretch your desire towards it, but wait till it reaches you. Do this with regard to children, to a wife, to public posts, to riches, and you will eventually be a worthy partner of the feasts of the gods."
(3) Love them without being physically with them. Loving someone means setting them free. When people walk out of our lives or are in any other way separated from us, instead of wishing them to return, we could also love them selflessly. If we only love people because of what they can do for us, which can be something as simple as keeping us company, then we might miss them partly because we miss their utility in our lives.
They made us feel good, they cooked us nice meals, they listened to our rants, they entertained us. And now that's all gone, we feel dissatisfied. But the question we could ask ourselves is: what's best for them? Was them walking away from us in their best interest? Did they, for example, move to another country to pursue their dreams and ambitions?
Thus, what's in it for them, instead of what's in it for us? Chances are that they are better off now, and that should be a reason to be happy for them. And if they aren't, we can at least wish them the best, even if we aren't with them, and aren't getting anything out of them. This way, we might transform the painful desire for them to be with us into what the Buddhists call loving-kindness: an unconditional wish for all living beings to be happy.
(4) Focus on the present moment. Hands down the most direct way to deal with missing someone is to move your attention to the present. When we, for example, focus on the task at hand or immerse ourselves in a conversation with people, our focus will not be on the person we miss.
Here is a quote from Marcus Aurelius: "Then remind yourself that past and future have no power over you. Only the present—and even that can be minimized. Just mark off its limits. And if your mind tries to claim that it can’t hold out against that... well, then, heap shame upon it."
End quote. When we spend large amounts of time and energy on missing someone, we hand over the power over our mood to past memories. There is nothing wrong with memories, but the desire for what's already gone shouldn't dictate what we do today. If we can't let go and long for something that isn't there, our present will appear gray and lifeless, often full of despair.
Because we have opened the door for the past to come back, which will never happen, of course, we close the door for the present moment. This results in wasted opportunities. If we miss someone, and really love that person, and this love is mutual: don't you think that this person would want the best for us, which is living well in the present moment?
Thank you for watching.