Overcoming Self-Hatred

Self-hatred is something I’ve struggled with a lot in the past, so this video is quite personal. The experience of self-hatred often goes together with depression and is basically a mechanism to cope with beliefs about oneself and our position in the greater picture. It can lead to self-sabotage and even suicide. Now, I’m not going into the causes too deeply. Rather, I’d like to share with you what helps me when I experience moments of self-hatred, and I hope it’ll help you as well.

When we grow up, we form a normative framework about ourselves and the environment. This framework consists of a number of judgments about what’s desirable and undesirable. Outside our basic needs like food and shelter, we have created a set of criteria that we should meet to become a wholesome human being. Also, we’ve created a set of undesirable traits that make one inferior. Our parents might have told us that creativity is useless, and it’s all about making money. Or, society tells us that if you aren’t married and don’t have children, you don’t really count.

So, the first ‘step’ for me is... Realizing that hate comes from judgment. Most likely, we have created our own personalized list of demands that we have to meet in order to like ourselves. But if we fail to meet these demands, we become dissatisfied and, eventually, begin to hate ourselves. Even if external factors are not up to us and we cannot control the outcome. The Stoics would say that it's not the events that disturb you but your position towards these events, which is, in this case, a position of hatred. The very fact that you haven’t got that job you wanted, that you aren’t a millionaire now you’re approaching the age of forty, that you haven’t got the stand-alone house in the suburbs, isn’t intrinsically good or bad. It’s what you make of it.

I always remember that I’ve created my judgments along the way. Something that I would’ve thought of as fantastic five years ago, I might consider neutral or, even, bad now. So, judgments change. And that fact alone makes them unreliable. For me, I don’t take them too seriously; especially the negative self-talk, which is mostly a bunch of nonsense. It’s also possible to hate oneself because of our past actions or inactions. Some actions indeed are evil, like deliberately making other people suffer, or engaging in self-sabotage. In those cases, I think that negative judgment - or at least a slight aversion towards my actions - is helpful to get myself on the right path.

However, beating myself up all the time doesn’t help anyone. Negative self-talk, especially when this self-talk is flawed and based on irrational thinking, can be very harmful. Now, there’s a simple thing I do when I find myself doing this, which is... Counting the blessings. Now that we know how judgment creates self-hate, it’s time to change our perspective. Counting my blessings; really focusing on what’s actually great about my life and about the present moment is an effective way to mitigate my dissatisfaction and take the burden of ‘wanting more’ and ‘not enough’ off of my shoulders.

Self-hate basically is an extreme and destructive form of dissatisfaction. Things aren’t only not good enough; they’re dreadful! At least, so we think. I notice that when I just let go of this ‘neediness’ then I can suddenly see all the good things about my life and about myself and that I actually need much less than my mind thinks. Ancient philosopher Epicurus believed that happiness is the main goal of human existence. And to be happy, we need to appreciate the small pleasures in life. Isn’t the fact that I have food and a roof over my head something to be delighted about?

And if so, how about all the other things I have, like friends, family, and a nice YouTube channel? These are blessings that I often take for granted. Another lesson from Epicurus is that we often forget that what we are currently dissatisfied with, we once deeply desired in the past. When I started this channel, for example, I remember that reaching the goal of 10,000 subscribers would make me the happiest man in the world. Now, I’ve got a lot more, and I tend to forget this. So, when I put myself into the shoes of the person I was about a year ago, I suddenly experience a deep appreciation for having what I wanted so badly back then.

In general, I often look at my situation, think about what I’ve got, and realize that I have no reason to complain, and definitely no reason to hate myself. But even though we’ve accomplished a lot, there may still be things that we don’t like about ourselves. Well, if that’s the case, I’d suggest what I call... Cherishing the flip sides. What we perceive as bad or negative things often come as blessings in disguise. Everything has a flip side, and in every disadvantage, hides an advantage.

The Taoists show us that there’s always oneness in duality. There can’t be high without low, there can’t be beauty without ugliness, and there can’t be positive without negative. When we’re busy hating ourselves, we are blind to this because we only see the negative side of the situation. But there’s always a silver lining. So, you’re poor? Great. This means that you have less to lose. You don’t own many things? Great. Because the things you own end up owning you. You’re ugly? Great. This keeps away a lot of unwanted attention, and your loved ones appreciate you for what’s inside, not outside.

What helps for me is deciding how I can turn what I perceive as negative into something positive. When I feel lonely, for example, I can also see this ‘aloneness’ as an opportunity to be productive. Things that I don’t like about myself or my life are also opportunities for change. This will turn self-loathing into perspective, which is a much healthier way to treat the present moment. Now, for myself, I always need some time to get out of the negative spiral and get back up and running again. Because that’s what I want eventually: I want to flourish, I want to live.

So what I do may sound a bit counterproductive. I call it... Creating space and be miserable. I notice that even though I can change my thoughts in a few seconds, my body and emotions often don’t change with it, which in turn will influence my thoughts. My body is still affected by the negativity, which basically translates into feeling like shit. So, what I do is that I give myself permission to be absolutely miserable for a certain period of time. Let’s say: one day. But… and this is very important: during that day I’m extra kind to myself. Not only do I allow and accept myself fully: I also treat myself well and accommodate myself to be what I am.

Now, that’s self-love. If my apartment is a mess, I clean it up. I make myself my favorite dish. I turn off the phone and postpone any work I have. I grant myself some entertainment. I relax. Now, paradoxically, the more I create space for myself to be miserable, the faster I get out of it. But, don’t force it. Sometimes I’m back on the horse within a few hours, sometimes it takes a day. This brings us to the last step: Taking action. It doesn’t really matter how often we fall; as long as we get back up again. Once we’ve mustered the strength to get up, doing something is essential to stay out of the negative spiral.

This could be, simply, going to work, or talking to a friend, or walking in the forest. It’s about active engagement. Taking action takes us out of our heads; the place where self-hatred started in the first place. It lets the energy flow again. The mind and body may absolutely not feel like it, but it’s important to follow the path of wisdom; knowing that we feel a lot better when we just do it.

When I’m in a negative state, I tend to rationalize every form of action down to the following sentence: “It’s pointless anyway.” But I know that when I, for example, go to the gym, there’s a 99% chance that I feel better. It simply comes down to this: when you engage with life - or, in other words: when you flourish - you don’t have time to hate yourself. Now, that’s it. I hope this helped. Thank you for watching.