How to Think Like an FBI Negotiator? Use Empathy | Chris Voss | Big Think

The best messages in any given negotiation are really implied indirectly, come to the other person based on thinking that you're getting them to do, getting them to get some really solid thought behind their answers.

And so a great thing to send someone in an email is: "Have you given up on this project?" Because nobody likes to give up on anything, and at the same time, nobody wants to say yes to that because they don't know what they're letting themselves in for when they say yes.

You know, and it's interesting because that particular email has restarted negotiations that have seen dead silence for weeks prior to that. Simply sending that email all by itself, and in many cases, you can get a response within three to five minutes of reading the email or the text. That's a great way to get things restarted.

Now the problem with that is there's a really good chance you contributed to the silence in the first place. And your next move, when they respond, is you've got to get a "that's right" out of them next because they have to feel like their communication is being paid attention to.

A summary is designed to let the other side know that you really understand what's going on now, and if nothing else, at least you understand their position. There are a lot of negotiators that really will give in on a deal because being understood is more important than getting what they want.

And there's a particular type in particular, the assertive negotiator; being understood is actually more important to them than actually making the deal. So everybody wants to be understood anyway.

Let people know you completely understand where they're coming from, and that's the design of a summary—summarizing the facts and how they feel about the facts.

And actually, if you can summarize their feelings about the facts that are driving them but that they're blind to, it will make a big difference to them because then they feel really understood. That empathy connection is there, and they may actually change their mind about what decisions they've made once the empathy has been established.