Mastering Emotions, with Paul Ekman | Big Think Mentor

In any relationship that matters to us, emotions play a major role. In fact, when you say it matters, you're saying it's emotional. You're either working to get positive feelings—achievement, pride, accomplishment—or to avoid fear, anger, disgust, or sadness. It's only in trivial relationships; I used to say when I buy the newspaper I don't really care—I don't say, "How are you?" to the person who sells it to me. And if I do, I don't really care how they are; it's a trivial relationship that has no relevant past or future.

Most of our relationships that matter occur in a context. They have a past, they have an intended future, and they have a high level of emotional engagement. Even when emotions themselves are not the main topic, which they are in psychotherapy or they might be in acting, even when they're not the main topic they are the topic that tells us how to evaluate the main topic. So if I'm trying to sell you a car, your emotional response when I mention different options—I'll show you different models, different colors.

When you look at your wife and shake your head one way or the other, those are all giving me clues as to how to move in that negotiation. The amazing thing is that emotions have signals. They're not silent. Thoughts are silent. When I meet someone for the first time, they say, "Oh my god, you're gonna read my mind." I say, "Your thoughts are your own. I can't read your thoughts. I can read your feelings. I can even read the feelings that you're unaware of feeling. And I certainly can read the feelings that you don't want me to know."

All of that for the person who's skilled has learned this, is available, but not thoughts. I don't know what the feelings are about. I don't know whether you're thinking about your grandmother or you're thinking about the president or his chief opponents. Thoughts have no signal. Emotions are salient with signals. The amazing thing about the face is it's a universal signal system. It works for everyone. That is, it shows us the same changes in the face regardless of who you are.

And the second amazing thing about the face, and why I focused more on it than on gesture, is that it is the most precise signal system we have for the emotions. We can read seven different emotions, and we can read whether they're being falsified and simulated—I don't really feel that way, but I want you to think I do—or whether they are genuine expressions. And if they're genuine, are they ones that you're aware of, or are you not even aware of what you're feeling? Or are you aware of it and trying to conceal it from me?

So, I invite you to join our Mentor Workshop where you can learn more about microexpressions and other non-verbal communications...