Impostor Syndrome: What Is Your Worth?

Hi there. We've been looking for you. Yes, you. We know everything about you: how you've pretended to know things you have no idea about, how you've slept through years of your education, how you've received awards that you never deserved, and how you've never earned a single thing in your life.

We know how you pretend to use charisma with your partner, who by the way is way out of your league, and those jokes you were telling your friends? They just laughed at them because they didn't want to hurt your feelings. You know that, right? We know you've been faking it this whole time, and you know it too. You're full of it, aren't you? Without luck, you're just a failure.

Well, luck isn't going to get you over the line this time. Time's up! The thing is, you've always felt this way. You've anticipated the day when someone in a suit shows up with a clipboard at your doorstep to tell you it's all over, when someone truly figures out how unworthy you are of your success, and how you've convinced everyone else otherwise. You've been dreading that day for quite some time now.

So what if you've constantly racked up achievements? You lose yourself in self-doubt that is so profound that you disassociate yourself from the person that actually got those achievements in the first place. Filled with a sense of phoniness, you become an imposter—an imposter of your own self. Instead of trying to look at the proof that you are where you are through hard work, sacrifice, and grit, you lean towards the possibility that you just happen to be in the right place at the right time on the important days.

I mean, think about it: everyone gets lucky sometimes, right? Maybe you sing just fine in the shower, but you can't do it when you have to sing that same song in front of a crowd who, by the way, couldn't care less if you don't single-handedly blow their minds away with the best performance of their lives. They're not expecting you to! But, of course, you're going to pretend not to know that, and you're going to beat yourself up over the smallest of errors—errors which will probably go unnoticed by the unassuming crowd.

You start anticipating these errors before they even occur, which in turn leads to more errors, and slowly but surely you realize the downward spiral that you're in. How dare you waste their evening like that? You shouldn't even be up here, but you keep trying nonetheless, or else they'll find out. Remember, and that's a risk you just can't take. So you keep practicing and practicing and practicing in search of that phantom named perfection.

In the rare occasion that you do catch it, the joy of finally having caught up with it is shortly followed by the realization that this broken attempt to perfection is only another glaring reminder of your inadequacy. After all, it wasn't perfection with ease, was it? It was a jagged, bumpy, and rough rendition of it. You never had the effortlessness of true genius; you simply faked its effect like you've always done.

And everyone else will still be quick to praise you for it, but come on, that's not the victory you really wanted, is it? If you were really smart, everything should come quick and easy, right? Well, you know it doesn't. But you like to pretend it does, right? You can only keep that up for so long. If you were really smart, you’d do everything yourself too. Why let anyone else get in the way? Chances are your perfection is too, so anything less than 100 won't do.

Who are you, and what is your worth? Whilst you desperately try and hide the lack of genuine brilliance, you somehow managed to receive some compliments—compliments you were wholly unprepared for and compliments which deep down make you feel so incredibly uncomfortable that you would rather cling onto the bitter yet reassuring feeling of failure.

How in the world can they possibly think that was good? You think to yourself for a brief moment; however, you entertain the alternative anyways. Maybe they had a point. Maybe, just maybe, you start thinking, I'm not so bad after all, as you find some comfort in their remarks. However unbelievable they may seem to you, you remind yourself of the tightrope balancing act...