Are you here to please others? Well, I’m not.
Imagine waking up on an ordinary morning, only to discover that your reflection in the mirror has become alien, monstrous. Your limbs, once familiar, have morphed into spindly, insect-like protrusions, and a hard, shiny shell covers your flesh.
In Franz Kafka’s book ‘The Metamorphosis,’ the main character, Gregor Samsa, confronts this fate as he wakes up one morning, discovering he has transformed into a gigantic insect. This isn’t just a physical transformation–it’s an existential one: a symbol for what he had become during his previous existence as a dutiful son, an overworked employee, and a provider for his family.
Gregor Samsa’s life was a ceaseless attempt to please others, to be what they needed him to be, often at the cost of his own needs and desires. His relentless pursuit of satisfying others, complying, and bending over backward left him hollow, without identity. Now, encased in the form of a bug, Gregor has become the ultimate symbol of alienation–not just from his family or society but particularly from himself.
Kafka’s novella primarily deals with estrangement and the fragility of human relationships. Although Kafka never explicitly explains why Gregor Samsa transforms into an insect, one interpretation is that it symbolizes his selfless sacrifice and estrangement from his own identity and those around him. He took the burden of providing for his family on himself. And his family willingly conformed to this arrangement, eventually taking his efforts for granted.
But when he was unable to perform his duties because of what he had become, his family treated him as a liability, despite his many years of commitment to his family’s well-being without question. Gregor is the quintessential people-pleaser. But the way his family treated him after he lost his ability to provide for them shows that pleasing others could be a one-way street. And even if we obtain these things in our quest for approval and acceptance, they may be fleeting.
Therefore, people-pleasing isn’t the most reliable currency. More than often, it’s counterproductive and sometimes even dangerous. Are you a people pleaser? Or do you know someone who is? This video explores the pernicious act of people pleasing, why we shouldn’t do it, and some thoughts on how to stop it.
By the way, if you enjoy reading, check out my two anthologies on Stoic philosophy, where ancient thought meets the musings of a modern mind. From the surface, it may be difficult to criticize a person who seems always ready to help others. Is there something more beautiful than putting yourself in the service of other people–to dedicate your life to the well-being of your fellow humans?
Individuals like these often receive much praise; they’re well-liked and appreciated and play vital roles in other people’s lives. But on a deeper level, there’s a selfish element to their actions in many cases, which they may not even be aware of. At the core of their very being lies a deep desire to be accepted, validated, and not be left alone.
Therefore, their people-pleasing doesn’t come purely from a wish for other people’s happiness. It’s transactional. I do everything you want; I’ll be everything you want me to be, and, in return, you like me, accept me, validate me, and stay by my side.
Let’s first begin defining the people pleaser. Several definitions of the people pleaser exist. I found the most straightforward and open definition in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, describing it as: “someone or something that pleases or wants to please people.” But this point of view doesn’t say anything about the motives of such an individual.
Another definition I found in the Cambridge Dictionary stating: “someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them, and always wants others to approve of their actions.” The latter definition fits the narrative of this video. From the viewpoint of this essay, a people-pleaser is someone who wants to please people to gain their approval and validation.
Generally, pleasing people is their primary purs...