🇺🇸 DOES YOUR FLAG FAIL? Grey Grades State Flags!

[school bell rings]

Hello, class. Your homework assignment as the U.S. states that you are was to make your state flag. A flag to stir pride in your citizens. A flag to stand proud on the American stage. A tough task, though not too tough with the guidelines I gave you upon which you will be graded.

One. Keep it simple. Something a child could draw. Even if they need to simplify it again. Good enough. Two. Make it distinct at a distance. A flag is not a poster, it’s not wallpaper, it’s not a patch, it’s not money, or anything else looked at up close. No tiny details. It's a flag. It will be flying from afar among other flags and when the wind stops, you still need to be able to spot yours.

Three colors or fewer unless you really know what you're doing. But if you think you do, you probably don't. Four. Symbols. Have them. Your colors and what you design with them should mean something. It should say something about your citizens. Five. Words on a flag. The ideal number is zero. It's a flag, not a note that you're passing in class. Thank you.

I'll take that. If you violated this rule, I hope you hid those words in a design because you will be marked down. And there is one thing you are absolutely forbidden from writing. Because a flag is not a name tag. If you wrote your name on your flag, your flag fails as a flag. No exceptions.

All right, let's just get a quick look and see how everybody did. Hold up your flags, please. [papers rustle] :: sigh :: All right, because you are all so Internet, to keep your attention, you're getting put on a tier list from S to F. S for 'Super'! F for, you guessed it, 'you Failed'. And I can see that so many of you did already.

The F tier is going to be absolutely bursting, so we're going to break it down into a tier list inside a tier list, S to F for the F tier. All right, let's just get the worst out of the way. Kansas, Montana, Wisconsin, Oregon, that’s you. I'm sorry, get up here. You guys and so many of your classmates went with this basic template seal on blue.

That all you blue belles, by copying each other, have each made each other so much worse in the distinct-at-a-distance department. And you four, you started with seals in the center, which is already subpar. But signing that seal, so much sorrier. And Montana… this kerning! My eyes can only take so much! Wisconsin, unironically, a cheese-based flag would have been better. Do that.

And oh? An objection from Oregon. You have a different design on the back? And this is so much better, I'm gonna give it a pass. You should just ditch the front of your flag and be all in on the beaver. Hey, I wouldn’t be laughing, California. It's your turn up here now.

And I know you think your flag is awesome, but you seem to have scrawled 'California' across it. And don't think bragging about the 'republic' is going to help your grade. I know all about that phase as an "independent country" that lasted - what was it again, oh right - barely three weeks. Rather a shorter time than some other nation states I could mention.

And about your bear. Look at him. Really look, California. That's a scared bear. Why did you draw him that way? This is A tier, but F tier. Hey, are you crying? There's no crying in flag design. There’s just doing better, which you easily can. Next, Dakota sisters, you’re up!

And you’ve both written your name, so instant fail. But North, your seal is at least better drawn, so D tier, F tier. And South, you’ve picked a brighter blue which is a bit distinct, so I'll put you on tier with your sister. But wait, did you write your name on the flag twice? F tier twice then.

But suggestion, Dakotas. You both obviously like this spiky design element, so maybe you could do a cool north-south-sister-states thing with that. You know, bring some of that Greenland-Antarctica energy to the states. Now all of you listen up. Today is not the final day of your judgement. Better is always an option.

Take Miss Mississippi. She started with this flag but recently felt it didn't fit her and so transitioned to this one. Yes, she added words, which I will mark her down for, but they’re hidden as hidden as words can be then she put her favorite flower in the center, which is a bit too complicated for my liking. But you know what? This flag symbolically says Miss Magnolia Mississippi. Exactly what a flag needs to do. Solid C.

And let her serve as a model of achievable improvement for everyone who fails today, especially California. Thank you Miss Mississippi, you can sit down now. Next up, Nebraska. At least you didn't write your name real big on the bottom. F, D. Vermont. Not terrible for F tier, obviously. Best looking seal so far, I guess. C tier.

Maine, you wrote your name real big, but in a classy way. I can't believe you girls are even making me have to compare seal designs so closely. Uhh… F tier, C tier. Ugh. I'm getting blue-blinded. Can someone help me out here? [angelic chorus sings] New Mexico.

What vexillological virtuosity is this? A design in the center, so simple and sacred of the Zia people. Done with bold colors that match the New Mexican landscape itself. It's enchanting. Need I even say the words New Mexico? S tier. Thank you for giving me hope.

Okay, back to the blue belles. New Hampshire, seal on blue. But you did kind of go all in on the seal and the ship is pretty good. I didn't think I needed a rule to say that a flag is not a painting of other flags, but here you are with three. F, B. Connecticut. Fan of the grapes, huh kid? Nah, I'm good thanks. Purple is objectively the worst color.

But you know what? You could do something with that and it would stand out. In the meantime, F, D. Enjoy your grapes. Michigan, 'Circumspice'? Yeah, I will and all I see is more boring blue. F, D. Can anyone do blue, but good? Ahh, Alaska.

Look at this ladies. The northernest state showing off the northernest star in an open blue sky. And she didn't feel the need to write 'Alaska' across it. Which must have been pretty tempting… eh, California? And even better, the companion constellation of the Big Dipper is but the tail of Ursa Major, a great bear in the sky, the animal most associated with this state and important to the Alaskan natives. How clever, Alaska.

I simply must give you the Best Bear Award. This flag is pretty top tier. Buuuut, the low contrast design with the sparse stars does make it difficult to differentiate at a distance. Especially in, say, dark winters. And it breaks my brain that your official vertical orientation is for the North star to be at the bottom. North star, top star.

Look, this is an amazing patch which I think comes pre-installed on every backpack in Alaska so your citizens obviously love it. It's a good flag. It’s the best bear. Best in B tier. Oh sorry, Miss Missouri, I didn't see you've also got a bear. Two bears, no, wait. There's a bear on the seal the bears are holding? You definitely win the most bears, darling.

And most stars with, wow, sixty-one! Thirteen for the original thirteen states on the American seal which you put inside your seal for seal-ception. Then twenty-four stars for your entry as the twenty-fourth state. Twice. It's very busy and you put all those bears and stars and words atop a tri-color, the most basic of all flag designs. But blessed be, you didn't write your name, so I'm passing you. D tier.

Anyone else who didn't write their name? Ah, Rhode Island, you wrote 'hope', but I'll take it at this point. This is also quite the square but I guess you're going all in on this sailing motif with the anchors and the colors. And it works. C tier.

On to the Commonwealth Club. No more hiding in the back, it's your turn. Commonwealth of Massachusetts. At least it's not blue and it's sort of simple in comparison, of course. F, C. Kentucky, I know you like being in the Commonwealth Club but you can't write it on your flag. Well you can, but you’re getting F tier, D tier for that.

Pennsylvania! If you're going to do seal-on-blue, this is pretty good and you didn't write 'Commonwealth of Pennsylvania' anywhere. F tier, B tier. And come on up, captain of the club. Commonwealth of Virginia, let's see what you've done. Oh god! Are you trying to get me demonetized? Your flag has nudity, murder, and an explicit call to violence. But you know what, Virginia?

That’s kind of badass. F, B. Oh hi, Ohio. Another oddly shaped flag. You know this is more of a cape than a flag, right? Right, you do. Well, it's very much ‘Murica. I'm gonna give it a B. Next up, Delaware. Delaware, fully writing out the date on the bottom is just such a bottom tier move.

I know you’re the forgotten state and you want to emphasize that you’re really the first, but there's got to be a better way. F, F. Wyoming. Let me tell you something, Wyoming. Let me tell you what I foresee is the final chapter of my life. When age or end times come. When my work is finished and forgotten.

I will travel to your great state to find a plot of land. One with a cozy cabin, a porch out front where, pet buffalo by my side, shotgun across my lap, I will watch the sun set for however many days are left. For me, for us all. And in the sky above this scene, I will fly this flag of Forever West with pride. But I will have to get it custom printed to remove this terrible needless seal you've stamped in the center.

A seal upon which you have written your name. It's so close to epic, but for now I must, by my own unbreakable rule, give it an F. But S tier F obviously. Now who's going to be next, all the I's. You’re up, starting with Idaho. You wrote your name twice, I can't even right now. F, F. Iowa.

You've got your name too and a whole sentence of instruction. Have you won the most words award? Oh, no, not even close. Idaho beat you for twelve, to tie with Nebraska. To be beaten by Wyoming for thirteen. And first place goes to South Dakota, seventeen words! But that doesn't make this any less bad, Iowa, and you also wrote your name.

F tier, obviously, but at least it’s much ‘Murica, so F tier, A tier. Indiana. Oh, what a relief Indiana, pretty good. The colors are similar to Alaska, but with more stars, it's more identifiable at a distance. And you've done your own thing with the torch of liberty. It’s pretty good, I'm going to give it an….

What are you doing? F tier, A tier. Sit down. Last of the I’s, Illinois. You've also gone with an eagle, but it is not very good, I'm sorry. And your backwards 'sovereignty' on the scroll... points for realism, I guess. But a flag is not a painting, and you added the date of this design. Why?

Oh, this is literally just the seal of Illinois on a white background written above the word 'Illinois'. It's terrible. F tier, F tier. Colorado. I feel like you're really trying to push my boundaries here, Colorado. The design is simple while still standing out, and I’d give it a B, but this giant 'C', it's a little on the nose, don't you think Colorado?

And you know what else it is? It's writing. Writing on a flag. C for C tier. And don’t point to Ohio. She did it better. Most people didn't even notice the 'O'. Next, Minnesota. Terrible - ooph - this is just terrible. Your name isn't as big and bad as the other blue belles, but the busyness is bottom-tier bad.

Wisconsin, I was too harsh on you before. This is the worst flag in the Union. Come on Minnesota. You’re America's blonde scion of Scandinavia. A classic flag designs itself. But this, I need a visual palette cleanser now. Ahh, Alabama.

Can’t go wrong with a simple shape. Identifiable at a distance, vertical perfection, and a lesson to everyone. So much more can be done with so much less. This flag would fit in on the international stage. A for Alabama. State of West Virginia, home of hearty Appalachia. You deserve better than this.

F, D. Arkansas. You know what, Arkansas? Even with writing your name real big across the center, I think you've made it kind of work. I can't pass you, obviously, but it's very ‘Murica and diamonds are your thing. I'm going to give it F tier, A tier. And speaking of words that work...

Get up here, Nevada. Now, obviously, this flag is bad and boring, which is a crime but you get the award for the two best words ever written on a flag. Battle. Born. BATTLE. BORN. It's awesome. And unlike some other states trying to big up their history that we won’t mention, you really did become a state for the Union in the middle of America's bloodiest war.

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but if two words ever deserve to be put in impact font on a flag, 'Battle Born' are those words. Do it, Nevada. Do it, do it, do it. Maryland. Oh, my, it's… hideous. So hideous it falls right off the bottom to land back on the top.

S tier Maryland. I don't care what anyone says. Wear it with pride. Louisiana, that pelican is vulning herself? Which is a heraldic term meaning to injure herself? Making you the only flag to show actual blood. I must remind you that a flag is not heraldry, but at least its unique. F, B.

Tennessee. I think people underrate your flag, Tennessee partly because of this blue bar on the side, which seems a bit random when looked at on a screen, but was added to keep it distinct when flying with or without wind, which totally works. And your three stars are for the three grand divisions of your rather rectangular state unified. This flag on screen, it's a B.

But in the air, it's an A. Washington. Washington. A flag is not money, Washington. And this is real extra awkward because D.C., who isn't even in this class, absolutely wrecked you with this A-tier flag that represents Washington so much better by adapting his family coat of arms not drawing his facey face. But at least it’s money green so it stands out from the blues.

F, C. Hawaii. I have complicated feelings about this flag, Hawaii. It's ugly, but in a bit of the magnificent Maryland way. The eight stripes for the eight islands don't align at all with the Union Jack, which is also historically confused, as you were never part of the British empire. You instead just took their flag to use for your kingdom as your own, which is a pretty bold move.

Well, you didn't write 'Kingdom of Hawaii' across it and you love your rainbows, and if an American flag was a rainbow, this would be that flag. I'm going to give it a B. Oklahoma. Ah, you’re another real heartbreaker here, kid. We’re just going to ignore this for now, and look at this, which is not a seal, but a buffalo skin shield of the Osage nation.

Much cooler. And with a pipe of the Plains American Indians crossed with the olive branch for Europeans who were becoming Americans. You've done by far the best job of symbolically trying to address something very American that other flags struggled with. Minnesota. I'm giving it an F, C, because there's something here that could be even epic-er.

Carolina sisters, South first. It's a bit disjointed. And I know you love the palmetto, but everyone thinks this is a palm tree. And it's weird because you have the Angel Oak, one of the most famous and beautiful trees in the world, which could make a much better design and then there would be zero chance of people confusing you for California.

But unlike California, you didn't write your name so you pass. But this complicated plant in the center, it's just not as good as Miss Mississippi's. D tier. North next. Now I'm totally biased toward my adoptive state. And when I see this flag flying around Raleigh, it provokes in me pride of old North even if it does look a bit too much like someone else's flag.

But if I'm trying to be consistent, I can't give a flag with not just letters but entire word more than C tier. I don't think either of you need a redesign desperately. So many others are ahead of you on that line, but perhaps you sisters could, like the Dakotas, consider a Carolinian combo for the future. Could be cool.

Next, New Jersey. That color is a real choice. But you know what? At least it stands out and your seal isn’t awful. F tier, B tier. Arizona. A tier awesome, Arizona. You've got a red and yellow sunset that looks like your state and is also a nod to the Spanish settlers.

I know some don't like the copper star, but they are wrong. Because you're the copper queen! And it also makes me think of sheriffs of the Wild West. Did I already say A tier, Arizona? A tier, Arizona. Now for New York. New York, New York.

I'm a native son of your great state, so it hurts me when I say of all the flags, yours is my biggest disappointment. Sure, your seal is better than most F tier, C tier. Whatever. But you are the Empire State, daughter of an actual empire. If you aspire to that awesome moniker, how do you think your flag compares to say… this.

Let's just visit London real quick and here you'll see Union Jacks for sale everywhere, Union Jacks used everywhere. Because U.K. did S tier work. Back in London, sister city of New York, can you even find a state flag? And are you really going to let New Jersey have a more identifiable flag than you? New Jersey.

Excelsior to S tier, New York. Now, get out of here. Georgia! All right, I’m real split over your flag here. I feel like it almost kind of works with the seal in the corner, but ultimately doesn't. And it's a little bit too much like North Carolina whichisalittlebittoomuchlikesomebodyelse. You didn't write your name, but you did write a lot of words. D tier.

All right, enough foreshadowing. Get up here, Texas. You already know this is an A-tier flag. I don't need to tell you that, but you’ve also done just so much work with state pride. You and your citizens love and use this flag, like you're still the Republic of Texas. And you're getting the bonus points you deserve for it.

Floooriiidaaa. Did you… did you just copy Alabama's flag, but make it worse? And you wrote your name on it? F tier. But, A tier, only because you're copying a good design. Please try again. On your own, this time. And last up, it’s you, Utah.

Oh, I see you have a last minute redesign in hand. Which is it gonna be? You have chosen wisely. This is a great and meaningful flag. The symbol for the industry of your people atop their state star in the nation built on your red rocks before the white peaks and under the blue sky. It's A tier.

But class, the most important part of any assignment is not just knowing the rules written out but what is inside the heart of he who is giving the grade. This flag with bees and bestagons, for me, it can't be but S tier.

[school bell rings]

Class dismissed.