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NERD WARS: Altair & Ezio Vs. Daredevil


3m read
·Nov 10, 2024

It was Jeff Ryman. This is Anna McLaughlin. We're coming at you with another Nerd Wars. This one: Altair versus Daredevil. Oh my god, I am going to win so easy, as always! I will be taking the superhero Daredevil, and I'm gonna get gas. And I'm gonna be taking Altair from Assassin's Creed because, well, I like getting my ass kicked because he's emo.

Alright, Daredevil has spandex, but Altair has Renaissance clothing, and Renaissance clothing is by far less gay than spandex. Clearly, Jeff has never been to a Renaissance Festival. Yes, I have, and let me tell you, those people are cool. I don't know if you know, my friend Marc actually goes all the time; he'd bring his family.

It's this bro, you know, I've really kind of wanted to go to a Renaissance Festival. So lame! So lame!

I caught him in a lie. Really? Every point... Altair! No, that's not a point! That's a point for Altair! I own number one! Alright, say what you will about Renaissance attire, uh-huh, Daredevil's outfit is much cooler. Spandex is much cooler! Which you can only get away with if you're Spider-Man.

It's like, have you seen Stevie Wonder's outfits? Stevie Wonder? You mean a boy? Yes! By someone who's playing a practical joke! As does Daredevil! Look, seriously, this looks good, sir, put it on.

Daredevil uses his sonar in order to pick the perfect costume. That's why I stopped wearing the yellow and black. Yellow and black makes more noise than red. Well, if they were, they were pretty loud colors. Can't believe that argument.

Let's go back to facts. Alright, Altair has the knowledge of every previous assassin and the skills of every assassin before, and Altair has now figured out how to go through time! They're gonna go back in time to a time that their asses will be kicked by Daredevil!

Back in time when Daredevil had sight? Here he didn't have sonar when he was like 12! That's fine, let's shank him right there. Okay, well, I think generations of assassins would know to kill him before he got powerful. In that case, why is Assassin's Creed even a game? Why can't I just go back in time to when all these people are babies and kill them? Attempt be boring as a game!

Exactly! And that's a boring fight! So we're gonna talk about Daredevil, the guy from Assassin's Creed, in, you know, present-day. And I'm running this as many times as I've said Altair; he still doesn't know his name! Altair!

So yeah, I said it. Here's the thing, alright? Altair's only thing is sneaking up on people like a douche. Alright, Daredevil has sonic hearing! He sees radar!

Hey, you wanna sit? You wonder how that fight would go down? And you'd be Daredevil, alright?

Hey, I see you right there! No, no, it's not just one! That is not a wig! Altair, you're just... Well, I'm not – I don't know if you know, Altair was bald!

No, he's not! But here's in my number one: couldn't sneak up on Daredevil. Number two, Daredevil is an accomplished martial artist, and he's our assassin! You don't think assassins are just sitting there doing yoga?

But number three, though, he is at the epitome of human physical condition! Like him, him and Captain America are almost par on fighting ability.

I'm glad you named the two gayest DC characters right there! They're not DC characters! Go play your Nintendo, play some Sonic the Hedgehog on Nintendo! I have! I love making you more mad!

So anyway, we're gonna give this one to Altair!

No, we're not! It has no... It's a total one-sided fight! Daredevil! You're right, Altair would win! Daredevil would...

You know what? Ben Affleck could beat up Altair!

Ben Affleck is Daredevil! No! Ben Affleck, while sitting on the couch!

Voyeur? You don't know? Damon is Matt an assassin, and he's just been getting close to Ben Affleck the whole time! So you know what? That would be awesome! If Matt Damon's listening to this, please kill Ben Affleck!

So if you have suggestions, put them in the comments! We'd love to do them! We'll keep arguing them as long as you keep putting them up, and if you start hating them, well, we'll blame it on Adam. Thanks, guys!

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