The Gray Rock Method | Beat ‘Toxic People’ with Serenity

Some people really get in our hair. Moreover, there are individuals that, for some reason, take delight in getting emotional reactions out of others. When they succeed, they win, and their ability to hurt gives them a sense of power. Whether we call them toxic people, narcissists, psychopaths; people like these are very tough to deal with.

However, there’s a controversial method to handle such individuals. An effective way to deal with people that are destructive to our lives is avoiding them. ‘Walking away’ and going ‘no contact’ are great tools, that not only cut them out of our lives; but also give them the opportunity to reflect. And, even though the chances are small, they might consider changing their behavior for the better.

Unfortunately, in some cases, walking away isn’t an option. We can avoid people to some extent, but when we have to deal with them on a regular basis because of work, cohabitation, or shared custody, we will benefit from other ways to cope with their behavior. In 2013, a psychology-blogger named Skylar first coined the term Gray Rock Method, as a way to deal with psychopaths.

The goal of the Gray Rock Method is to encourage psychopaths, or other emotionally unbalanced people, to lose interest in us. I quote: “When contact with you is consistently unsatisfying for the psychopath, his mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama.” Psychopaths are addicted to drama and they can’t stand to be bored. With time, he will find a new person to provide drama and he will find himself drawn to you less and less often. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. End quote.

According to Skylar, psychopaths are addicted to power. They try different tactics to get a reaction out of their targets to fuel their sense of power over them. When they succeed, they are exhilarated; they have found a way to control us. In most cases, this isn’t a one-time event: when these people discover that they can pull our strings, they’ll keep doing it; even if it’s just for the confirmation that they still have control over us. Our reaction is their prize. The same goes for bullies; it’s fun to poke the bear.

Now, the key to the Gray Rock Method is to not get entangled in their web of malice, so they get bored. Simply put: we take away their prize. So, how do we do this? There are many ways to execute this method. It completely depends on how these people try to get what they want. The essence is that we change into a gray rock when we are in their presence.

As Stoic philosopher Epictetus would say: we can’t control the outside world, but we can control the position we take towards it. Thus, it is within our control to behave like a boring, nonreactive object. If they talk about a specific person or subject, because they know this triggers us, we react by simple, boring, indifferent answers. If they use a certain insult, because they know we can’t stand that, we might just act like we never heard it.

Just like the Stoic and Roman statesman Cato who was once struck in the public bath by a man who didn’t know who he was. After the man apologized, Cato replied: “I don’t remember being struck.” If that man wanted to get a reaction out of Cato, is there anything more unsatisfying than when Cato is completely oblivious to his actions?

Also, when these people envy us for our status, possessions, looks, or other things that they don’t have, being a gray rock means being as boring and as closed off as possible about the things they envy. According to Skylar, it’s not that they want those things for themselves: they want to see the emotion on our faces when we lose them.

It’s important to understand that taking away the prize takes time and consistency. During the first phase, they will get agitated because we suddenly stop providing them with supply. This means that they’ll double their efforts to get in our hair, by increasing the drama and pushing our buttons even more. In this situation, it’s very easy to take the bait.

“Toxic people” that are out to stir the pot, won’t be attracted to imperturbable serenity. They want to be entertained, intrigued, in control of other people’s emotions, and their ideal guinea pigs are those who are sensitive and easily upset. When we are gray rocks, however, they’ll pass us over. We’re just one out of many. We don’t stand out, we’re indifferent, passive, not interesting, and literally cold as stone.

So, move along, folks. There’s nothing to see here. Thank you for watching.