The Courage To Be Disliked

I made my first video on this channel in July 2017 after months of going back and forth on whether or not I actually wanted to create a YouTube channel. What would people think? What if people hate the videos and tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about? Who am I to talk about these topics? These were the thoughts that flooded my head. If you've ever been in a situation where you have to start something or give a presentation in front of a group of people, then I'm sure you've had a similar emotion. It's the fear of being judged—the fear that keeps us in chains and holds us bound from achieving our true potential.

To understand why we care so much about what others think about us, we have to go back to the beginning of human history. Man, like many other animals, evolved to be social. Our survival was dependent on close-knit communities, tribes, and clans. We would hunt together, make shelter, and protect one another from predators should they dare strike. Being together made us thrive. So at the time, being cast out of the clan almost always meant death. Without the technologies we have today, making shelter, hunting, and protecting yourself from wildlife was almost impossible for one person to do alone.

Sadly, even now that our society has evolved to a point where we no longer have to worry about predators and we have the tools and resources to provide food, clothing, and shelter for ourselves, the need to be part of a group still has been maladapted to our current reality. Then we were scared of being left out in the cold; today we're scared of getting canceled on Twitter because of something we said or getting insulted for repeating clothes on Instagram or getting hate comments on your YouTube video of people telling you your voice is becoming redundant and boring.

You see, this feeling of being ostracized has worsened woefully because of social media. By creating likes and dislikes, we brought to light this need to feel validated and seen. In an instant, you can see just how many people support you, and that number can be addicting. It gets to the point where we stop saying what we really want to say and instead start saying the things we know will give us the most likes. Before you know it, you're posting certain thoughts, photos, and writing specific statements to get that attention and validation from others.

How many times have you seen your favorite influencers and creators online suddenly sell out, where it feels like they're no longer authentic, only doing or saying the things they know will please the algorithm? I made a video about Unit 731 and the despicable things the Japanese government did in the Second World War. However, because it was not advertiser-friendly content according to YouTube, the video didn't perform extremely well, and that's fine.

This is the kind of authorization and social conditioning that makes people fall in line and stop saying anything that might offend the people with money. It's like they tell you there's freedom of speech, but only when your microphone is turned off. Growing up, I always felt different. Of course, I had friends and wanted to be part of the social group, but I had questions about the universe that people just didn't like to discuss. Who wants to talk about death and the afterlife on the school playground after all?

Because of that, I felt different from everyone else, like a piece of a puzzle but from another set. So I grew up worried that everyone would look at me as weird and different, so I tried my best to hide my existential dread to fit in like everyone else. If you're watching this video right now, there's a high chance that you were also once a kid like me, who was so worried about being disliked that you shielded the real you just so you wouldn't be thought of as different.

If you're still in that position, listen: stop caring so much about what other people think and start living your life authentically. Yes, caring what others think is healthy; however, it becomes hurtful when we try to change ourselves just to be liked by others. You would enjoy your time on this floating rock far more if you choose to live your authentic self. And if someone rejects you because of it, you'll know that they were never meant for you in the first place.

Now, if that sounds like a lofty dream and not really grounded in reality, I understand. Because the sad truth of this entire thing is that we do need to be judged fairly by others. At its core, that's what makes our society work. We agree that something is law, and whoever breaks it gets judged. We agree on certain moral principles, and whoever breaks them gets socially ostracized.

We're judged at our places of work, in school, in our society as a whole. As sad as it sounds, gossip and ostracism help the greater good of the group. In 2014, Sanford professor Rob Willer led a study that explored the relation of gossip and ostracism to the harmony and functionality of experimental groups. In this study, Rob found out that groups that allowed their members to gossip and vote out underperforming members were able to sustain cooperation and prevent selfishness much better than groups that weren't allowed to do so.

When we think of ostracism, we almost always see it in a bad light; however, the study proved that it does have a much more important role in preventing the weak and vulnerable from being bullied and ridden upon. Have you ever been in a group for a school project only to quickly realize that there's one person who just wouldn't do anything because they know the group will pick up their slack? How's that make you feel?

Now imagine you could remove these people from the group and then gossip to other groups about how bad of a team player they are. It might seem harsh at first, but because of our innate fear of being ostracized, more often than not, these people would see the reality of what they're doing and actually act better when reinvited into the group. It also prevents these selfish people from exploiting the more vulnerable people in the group and allows them to reach their full potential without fear of being taken advantage of.

The researchers concluded that exclusion compelled participants to conform to the more cooperative behavior of the rest of the group. So yes, we need to be good team players for the proper functioning of society. However, being part of a group should never be at the expense of our own individuality. We should never get so scared of being ostracized that we do not say the things that matter to us for the fear of being judged.

We need to realize that we will get to a point in our lives where we'll begin to assess everything that we've been taught as children. When you start to outgrow old beliefs and walk into new ones, do not be held back by the fear of what everyone who you grew up with would think. Caring about what other people think is necessary for the proper functioning of society, but when caring what other people think affects our abilities to make decisions for ourselves, that's when you need to pause and reconsider.

You're a person with your own thoughts, ideas, dreams, and goals. Don't let the fear of being disliked hold you back from expressing that you want to drop out of school to become a comedian. What would people think? You want to start a YouTube channel? What would people think? You want to be with someone from a different culture or religion? What would people think? This one question holds so many people back from doing what they love. It's like a chain that binds our neck and leaves us no room to breathe.

We're like circus elephants held back by a rope that might only exist in our imagination. Ultimate freedom is having the courage to be disliked, the boldness to stand firm in what you believe in, even when the crowd is saying something else. The courage to stand when everyone else is sitting and run when everyone else is standing. The courage to be your authentic self, regardless of what everyone around you tells you to be.

Instead, developing the courage to be disliked is not easy. Remember that it's in our nature to care what other people think. To stray from that, even minutely, would mean going against our very own biology, and that's never very easy. But the good news is that we can actually do it. The first and most important thing to realize is that everyone, just like you, is worried about their own insecurities.

When we go out into the world, we're often so consumed with our own insecurities that we feel like everyone else is thinking about us and condemning us. But the reality is, more often than not, just like you, people are so worried about themselves that they aren't really thinking about anyone else. And when they do speak out against us, they're often projecting their insecurities on us, trying to bring us down to feel better about themselves.

Don't let them do that. The difference between ostracization in early humans and what we have today is that with early humans, it was only your closest relatives and members of your clan that could cast you out. However, today, because of social media, anyone and everyone can have an opinion about us, share that opinion, and we're forced to take notice of it. The problem with this is that we're taking criticism from people we wouldn't take advice from.

Think about it: if you wouldn't let this stranger into your house for fear of invading your privacy, why would you let them into your head, the most private place of all? Sometimes the people judging you and not letting you live your true potential aren't strangers; they're childhood friends and relatives. When that's the case, we need to remind ourselves that the consequences of living outside the group are not as sinister as it used to be.

You have the tools and resources to thrive away from your primary group, and in fact, you can find another group to join, one that would accept you for who you are and not try to force you into being something you're not. I know I've said some negative things about social media in this video and many others, but there are some positives as well. In this scenario, where you no longer feel part of the group you were born into or grew up in, the internet offers you a community of people who are willing to accept you from all over the world. You just have to take the time to find them.

Laozi wrote in Tao Te Ching: "Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner." The courage to be disliked is the key that opens the prison doors and sets you free to be the person you've always wanted to be.