The science of sex drive and sexual frustration | Emily Nagoski

• Nobody ever died because they couldn't get laid. Frank Beach, who was an ethologist in the middle of the 20th century, went to a conference in 1956 and said, "No one has ever suffered tissue damage for lack of sex." If you want to prove to me that sex is a drive, show me the tissue damage that an organism experiences because they do not have orgasms.

For the first half of the 20th century, scientists more or less treated sex as a drive. 'Drive' is a very specific kind of motivational system where an organism experiences an uncomfortable internal experience that pushes them out into the world to go solve a problem. So thirst is a drive. Hunger is a drive. Sleep, even, is a drive. You can literally die of sleep deprivation.

Sex, it turns out, is not one of those. Instead, it is an 'incentive motivation system,' where instead of being pushed into the world by an uncomfortable internal experience, you are pulled into the world by an attractive something or other out into the- "Ooh, ooh, what's that?" We can go ahead and say "sex drive": I understand that that is much easier to say than sexual incentive motivation system.

It is just as innate and just as natural as a drive system, but it's just not an uncomfortable internal experience that pushes you to go solve a problem or else you could die. If I'm teaching like a group of students, someone will be like, "Excuse me ma'am, Miss Emily. I'm pretty sure I have experienced an uncomfortable internal experience when I could not get the sex I wanted." And that is correct, you have.

The sensation you're experiencing is frustration. There is a little monitor in your brain that has goals and keeps track of how much effort you're putting into it, and how much progress you're making, gets really frustrated that there is something you would like a lot. It's not a basic biological need, which means you are not entitled to it. No one has any obligation to make sure you have enough of it.

It is the oldest, most established piece of science in all of "Come as You Are," and yet it's the only idea that has ever caused anyone on Twitter to call me a stupid (beep). People have feelings about this 'cause they feel like I'm taking something away from them, when in fact I am giving them the freedom to be able to experience sexual desire and know that nothing bad is gonna happen. Nobody ever died because they couldn't get laid.

The closest thing to a scientific argument for the idea that it might be a drive is, "Okay, if it's not about individual survival, it is about genetic survival. What about a drive to move my genes into the next generation?" That is not how biological psychologists define the term drive. The way we get motivated to have sex is that something sexually relevant happens in our environment and our brain notices that, and is like, 'turn on signal,' and you notice a sensation in your body maybe in response to that turn on signal.

And that sensation is itself a turn on signal and that goes up to your brain, and you get even more turn on signal. And it, "Hmm, hmm, what's that? I wanna move toward that." In the right context, you're like, "I would like to explore further this sensation." It's motivating because it feels good in the right context.

Why do we have sex? Because it feels good. So while it is true that no one has ever died because they couldn't get laid, because we cling to this myth that sex is a biological need to which people are entitled, it is the case that people have died. A surprisingly large proportion of the mass murders that happen are committed by people who declare that their motivation is that they're not getting access to the sex that they want and need.

If we just understand that sex is a pleasure-based motivation, not a life- and safety-based motivation, we can free ourselves into the joy and ecstasy that's available to our bodies when we're not feeling frustrated and angry about a sense of failure to get something that we feel like we're supposed to be able to get. If it's not about getting, but about connecting and feeling the sense of freedom that come...