How to be a Pirate Captain! 🌈 ☠️ 🌈

(Captain) Hello! So you want to be a pirate, m'lad? Well let me tell ye… being a pirate, be all about 'Branding'. Yar, it’s a business. But branding be bringing in the booty. And if ye be shipping with our jolly crew, ye need love this Jolly Roger.

(Recruit) Question. Isn't waving a pirate flag like waving a 'We are Thieves’ flag? It seems… not helpful.

(Captain) This skull and crossbones be more than just a bit of 'Arrrgh, look at us'. It's plumage prerequisite for plundering. As pirates, we be wanting booty. Booty… be licious! But parties protect their booty, preferring it unplundered. So we must plunder asunder. Which 'tis a lot of work and risk. Who needs that? See? We want free booty. When we ask for booty, booty to be granted, and bounce.

(Recruit) But why would a ship just give up?

(Captain) [with emphasis] The Branding! Plus a surprise reveal! Ye were right, we don't fly the flag for fun. We fly false flags. Keeping the Roger hidden for just the right moment. Our ship be lean and mean. And we hide this too. With prey in sight, we billow barrels behind. So though our sails be full, our speed be slow. And we seem fat and full. With supplies kept above deck for greater effect.

(Recruit) Ok, that’s pretty clever.

(Captain) But this be my favorite… a camouflaged hull! Painted canvas unfurled to cover the true number of guns. Behold!

(Recruit) That looks pretty fake.

(Captain) Yar, it need only look good from afar. Ships be seen at a distance. Through a looking glass. On the high seas. Branding is image, not reality. And Empire and merchants do the reverse. Carving and painting fake canon to intimidate. [gleefully] But fake guns don't shoot now do they? So, we be sailing slowly along, all [politely] “How do you do, fellow countrymen?” Then, when close enough… the reveal! Cutting our cover, unfurling the flag, ditching the drag, and sullying pantaloons. [with emphasis] That's branding. Do it right and they won't fight.

(Recruit) Why, again? I feel like you're not answering this question.

(Captain) Look, think like one of those poor seaman sods yonder. Imagine ye be working for the Empire, minding yourself, when, (Pirates) [cheerfully] “Surprise! Pirates! Please present your booty.”

(Empire Captain) [under his breath] Ughh, this guy is the worst.

(Captain) Your captain can choose to fight or not. [playfully] But, if ye fight, and if ye lose, [ominously] we will torture crewmen to death while others watch.

(Recruit) Oh… that's not jolly. That's not jolly at all.

(Captain) Look, sometimes misguided men will try to hide booty. And we can't have that. We don't want to torture, understand. I scorn to do any one a mischief, when it not for my advantage. But brands must mean something. And torturing over hidden treasure is quite memorable. Which generates effective word of mouth marketing. At least from those who have told us the truth about hidden treasure. And thus get to keep their tongues.

(Recruit) Ah.

(Captain) So be the sailor's choice. Fight, lose, maybe torture for you, maybe death for you. Pirates get booty anyway. What a hassle for nothing. And we make it so easy to give up. If your captain simply surrenders, we leave everyone alone. No fighting. [menacingly] No torture. Just a transference of booty between ships passing on the high seas. On the other hand, you could fight and you might win, though maybe as less of a man than before. But lose, and you might beg for mercy in the last and longest moments of your life. [affectionately] Boop! The flag we raise lets ye know your options before loading that canon. And we have one more surrender incentive. Say the target captain calls his men to fight to protect his booty. That captain is a fool. And probably cruel. Treating his men like mule. Feeding them gruel. While admiring a jewel. The whole crew sick of his rule. When they see our flag and the captain's command, the crew can mutiny. Letting us aboard without resistance. And, as thanks for their assistance, we be holding a court. A court of the captain where his crew can complain. Knowing this chance corrodes a captain's confidence in command, given the crew's critique of his conduct could conclude his career. [merrily] It's hilarious. Though the Empire calls us outlaws, we also be angels of vengeance on the high seas. What branding! Terror and mercy and justice combined! [with emotion] It's beautiful! So… that's the pirate’s life. Sure, the Empire’s noose will dangle over your head. [passionately] But you'll have brothers in arms and booty in hand. What say ye?

(Recruit) I'd like to talk to that guy before I decide.