4 Ways To Deal With 'Toxic People'

Today, I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness, all of them due to the offenders ignorant of what is good or evil. We all know someone in our lives that's so exhausting to be around. There's always some form of drama going on and if we happen to be in a good mood ourselves, the person in question manages to turn the tide within a few minutes. This walking vortex of negativity seems highly contagious and robs us of Raja de vivre.

In a previous video, I've talked about how to stop caring what people think. Now, let's go a bit further by exploring four ways to deal with so-called toxic people. First of all, thank you once a month for your Patreon pledge, and thank you, Savvier, for your generous PayPal donation. I appreciate it very much and it helps me to continue this project. Now let's dive in.

Don't we just love labeling each other? I love it too! Sigma male, doomers, zoomers. My channel is full of labels now. In the world of psychology and self-help, we've got these highly popular terms like autism, narcissist, borderline. These refer to serious conditions, that's for sure, but we also see that quite a few people use these terms very loosely to label others, especially those people they don't like.

Yet another popular label is toxic. We can speak about toxic parents, toxic relationships, a toxic friend, and perhaps also a toxic pet or a toxic pizza delivery guy. The word toxic indicates that there's something wrong with a certain person, object, or situation that in some way poisons you. It depletes your mood, it angers you, it makes you sad, frightens you; it basically affects you negatively.

Now, I won't deny that people can radiate negativity, but I don't really believe in toxic people because I don't think anyone is inherently toxic. What I do believe is that most people have their demons or shadow, as Carl Jung called it, which is part of the human condition. However, within some people, the demons are simply more dominant than usual. The negative, inconsiderate, and often manipulative behavior of these difficult individuals is what we perceive as toxic. For this video, I prefer the term difficult people.

Now, how can we deal with difficult people? Let's start with the first method: walking away. Walking away from someone may be the best option if you realistically don't see any other way to be unaffected by this person. Perhaps he or she is extremely violent or extremely manipulative, in other words, downright dangerous. It takes great skill to deal with such a demon-ridden human being. Chances are that you're not equipped for that and that's okay; not everyone is a Zen master.

By walking away, we demonstrate our autonomy and that we're not going to put up with this destructive behavior any longer. The disadvantage of this method is that we're still affected if we happen to encounter this person. Here's a quote from stoic philosopher Epictetus to show you what I mean: “Remember that following desire promises the attainment of that of which you are desirous, and aversion promises the avoiding that to which you are averse. However, he who fails to obtain the object of his desire is disappointed, and he will encourage the object of his aversion.”

Aversion is a tricky thing. In this case, it's great when you are away from that person, but it's terrible when you're not. Nonetheless, I think that walking away can be an effective method for dealing with difficult people that affect us negatively. Out of sight, out of mind, right? However, walking away isn't always an option. Sometimes we have to deal with difficult people on a daily basis because they are colleagues, roommates, or family members. Luckily, there are other options too.

Indifference is truly a power. It's a way to keep our faculty unshaken by outside events because it's not what happens outside us that hurts us but the way we position ourselves towards it. Being indifferent towards something you averse or even hate is easier said than done, so it's an intermediate method. I've noticed that most trouble with people in my life takes place in my mind. I've had discussions with people in the shower, I've been arguing with annoying co-workers while sitting in the train to work, and I fought with my uncle while having dinner at home.

All of these negative experiences are products of my noisy thoughts. So when we meet these people in real life, it's like they've been plaguing us all day. But in reality, it was the mind that plagued us. So it's much easier to be indifferent towards people, and I mean truly indifferent, if we don't think about them, detach, even in their presence.

The way to do this is by living in the present moment, by focusing on the present. The negative behavior of other people has a minimal effect on us; we don't think about them during the day, and when they are around us, the things they say go in one ear and out the other. We can even give these encounters a positive twist by seeing these people as our teachers because they give us the opportunity to practice the art of indifference.

Seeing the temporary nature of things, there's a Sufi story about a king who noticed that he is happy when things are going well in the country and sad when things aren't going well. Basically, his mood was tied to the comings and goings of his environment. When he was happy, he celebrated by throwing huge parties in the palace, but when he was sad, he retreated in his personal quarters, being depressed.

So he asked the wisest man of the kingdom to create a ring for him that will make him happy when he is sad. Thus, days later, the wise man handed over a ring to the king with the words, “This too will pass; act on it.” This worked because in times of despair, it reminded him that the universe is ever-changing. Not only did he feel better in bad times, he also felt less overjoyed in good times, keeping his euphoria in check and saving resources that were normally wasted on festivities.

Reminding ourselves of the temporary nature of things gives relief. We might be bothered by someone right now; it won't last forever. When we see that everything is impermanent, it's easier to look at life as a series of manifestations that come and go, and passes by like clouds in the sky. We won't be overjoyed when the person is gone and we won't be irritated when a person is around. We're just dealing with another appearance which, like anything, eventually disappears. Knowing this prevents us from feeling trapped in a moment, like we are forever burdened with the negativity of another being, which is just an illusion.

For kindness and compassion, now this is expert level. When we are able to react non-passively when confronted with negative or even hostile behavior, we can choose to fight back with kindness. At the root of genuine kindness, there's compassion and empathy, because if we are able to put ourselves in other people's shoes and feel with them, we will realize that they truly must suffer to radiate such levels of negativity into the world.

Who is more affected by these people, you or the people that have to live with themselves for 24 hours a day, seven days a week? The knowledge of them suffering may give you the strength to answer their behavior with kindness. Here's a quote by Marcus Aurelius: “Kindness is invincible, but only when it's sincere, with no hypocrisy or faking. For what can even the most malicious person do if you keep showing kindness and, if given the chance, you gently point out where they went wrong right as they're trying to harm you?”

When you're kind to these people and show them understanding, you might be able to relieve them from their suffering as well. This way, you kill two birds with one stone: they feel better and you don't have to deal with their previous behavior anymore.

So, that's it. Thank you for watching. [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music]