Are Women Neurologically Less Suited for Monogamy than Men?

There’s some pretty stark research out there now that oddly enough I think doesn’t get quite as much attention as it deserves. I’ll just talk about one study. This was done by a German scientist who looked at 2,500 committed couples, so no small number. The results are probably no fluke. And he measured their desire progressively over time within their committed relationships.

The desire starts at right about the same point for the men and for the women, so again debunking this idea that somehow male desire, male libido, is far stronger innately than female libido. But what happens interestingly is that male desire declines gradually over time. Female desire dives much more dramatically than male desire within those committed relationships.

And I think two things are worth saying. First, again at the very least, this calls into question this idea that somehow women are comparatively better suited to monogamy than men are. But second, I think the reason for the disparity, showing women even less well-suited sexually for monogamy than men, has to do with cultural lessons and their effects on the brain.

So I think most of us have heard this phrase or at least are familiar with the concept of brain plasticity. That is, the brain is shifting neurologically, sometimes slightly, sometimes in a significant amount, in response to what we do with it. That’s why we’re told to do lots of crossword puzzles as we get older, and that will strengthen our memories a bit. That’s a sort of simplistic form of the brain plasticity concept.

Well, what happens to the brain if we’re taught very different lessons about sexuality from early on? Boys are, of course, taught right from the playground really that being a little bit of a Romeo is all to the good. Girls are taught a very different and more constrained lesson, even in our seemingly unconstrained society.

And that lesson, or those two divergent lessons, continue right on up through high school, you know, that firsthand experience with this with a son and daughter who are now just finishing or just graduating from college. And this, I believe, and I think researchers are starting to look into this, has its effect on the brain.

It has its effect on the robustness of those neurological paths that have to do with Eros. And I think what we’re seeing within monogamous relationships is that the male neurological sexual pathways, being built up over time and being somewhat more robust, are in a way more resilient to that natural decline, whereas women’s may not be – may need more of a charge, may need more novelty.

And so again, for just focusing on sexuality itself, on Eros itself, for that reason, women may be feeling even more of a decline than men within those long-term committed relationships.