The Dilemma Of Loneliness

In the age of individualism (in Western countries at least), there is an increasing concern in regards to social isolation. We see this happening with the elderly, that are put away in retirement homes, deprived of interaction with children and grandchildren that are too busy with life. But we also see social isolation happening among people from other age groups. Their situation is often self-imposed and preferred over a vibrant social life.

While social interaction is healthy, it comes with a price. And if we are not willing to pay that price, we end up distancing ourselves from other people. We become loners, which, unfortunately, often results in loneliness. So, it seems that the options we have are either the misery of social isolation or the misery of being connected with people. Now, let's talk about this.

There's quite a body of research that shows the detrimental effects of loneliness on our mental and physical health. But despite these negative effects, many people choose to rather not spend too much time with others. When I read the comment section below my videos about solitude, it strikes me how many people describe themselves as loners, and are, so they say, perfectly happy this way. However, I do see signs of loneliness and the feeling of ‘not belonging’ as well.

The weird thing about loneliness is that people aren't hard to find, knowing that there are over 7 billion of them on this planet. So, for some reason, we choose to be alone and we don't let other people in our lives easily. Could this be because we aren't willing to pay the price that comes with socializing? After spending a few months in Asia in the midst of a collectivistic culture, I see that an important factor of our individualistic society is that we don't need each other in a way that the collectivists do.

I experienced firsthand that this has pros and cons. Obviously, the big pro is that there are always people to hang out with, because of close family ties, large and accessible social groups, solidarity among neighbours, or the many people you'll find on the streets. In the guest house I stayed, for example, I would be greeted by at least four people before I made it to the exit. And most of these people were open for a chat, or asking me how I was doing. After living in an individualistic country, this really was a relief for me.

Most of the time it isn't necessary to make an appointment like we do in the Netherlands, where we compare schedules, set a date and time, and hang out at that exact moment, knowing that we should go through that cycle again and again to have our social needs met. But one of the cons is that people wouldn't leave me alone. Once I started to know more people and showed them my willingness to socialize, the floodgates opened, and somehow it was expected of me to hang out with them regularly and basically spend my free time in social settings.

There's a lot of social control among collectivists; and everyone knows what everyone's doing. This does give one a sense of safety and belonging, sure, but it can be very suffocating as well. In some instances, I literally ghosted, either by not leaving my room or spending a few days in another place, just so I could spend some time in solitude and recharge my battery. At that point, I realized that my situation in a Western individualistic country isn't so bad; yes, it takes some effort to socialize, but at least privacy and solitude aren't difficult to find.

On the other hand, now I'm back in the quietness of my apartment, in the country where people barely know their neighbours and prioritize individual goals like careers, money, and material possessions over each other, I know that there is a chance that loneliness starts to creep up on me. Yes, there is a difference between loneliness and aloneness, and solitude can be absolutely enjoyable. But we aren't islands; we require at least some human connection to function properly in the long run.

Now, there are plenty of possibilities to acquire this human connection. To name a few: finding a group of friends, joining a club or community that revolves around a certain activity, like a sports club. The thing is that the more we get entangled in these groups, the larger becomes the price we pay. We trade companionship in exchange for time, oftentimes for money, and to be and stay part of a group we are expected to continue these transactions.

In many cases, we are expected to conform to the group's narrative, adopt certain ethics, certain values, which might not be entirely compatible with our own. Especially when we conform to certain ideologies or religious doctrines, we might commit what philosopher Albert Camus called: philosophical suicide. Thus, we give up our ability to think independently and to question everything, for the sole purpose of belonging. And before we know it, we sacrifice more of ourselves than we want to; something I experienced in Asia.

The dilemma of loneliness is that our individualistic needs aren't met in collectivism, but in social isolation we are deprived of human connection. Personally, I don't want to sacrifice myself and my values to belong to a certain group, but I don't want to be socially isolated either. So, there must be a middle way. Is the internet an option perhaps? How about the connection we find with people online? This too has its pros and cons.

The internet gives us the opportunity to connect with people around the globe, based on specific interests. This means that we can skip the superficiality of small talk and make our interactions exclusively about the things we want to. The flipside is that online interaction is still hidden behind the simulacrum of pixels and megabytes. Of course, we see deeper friendships develop online, but this often goes hand in hand with a desire for real-life meetings, which brings us back to the old-school face-to-face communication that is, in essence, more pure and complete, with its non-verbal communication and the minimal involvement of technology.

There's nothing like looking someone in the eye, touching, body language. At the end of the day, this is what most people want when they truly want to connect with someone. That is why, I believe, many people that exclusively socialize online, on social media, in Discord groups, forums, et cetera, are still, in a way, deprived of true human connection. It's the difference between watching, for example, the city of Paris on Google Streetview and really being there, walking around, feeling it, touching it, breathing it. There is nothing like the real thing.

However, I would not exclude the possibility that someday we can simulate reality to such an extent that we barely notice the difference. So, how can we solve this dilemma of loneliness? I think that it starts with the acceptance that social interaction always requires some form of sacrifice. I think, for our sanity, it might be a good idea to make this sacrifice to a certain degree, with clear boundaries, and with like-minded people that respect these boundaries.

There is much joy in solitude without the misery of loneliness, and there is also much joy in social connection without losing ourselves in it. If we can find a healthy balance, we can get the best of both worlds. Thank you for watching.