How to lose all your friends in life

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Damn, I have way too many friends. I am so popular; I need to start getting rid of people." Well, in this tutorial, I'm going to teach you how to make everybody you know and love slowly drift away from you over the course of your life.

Step number one: Talk almost exclusively about yourself. You want to develop a strong tendency to steer any conversation back to the topic of yourself. You know, what do you have going on? What are your dreams and aspirations? What are you excited about? What's something shitty that happened to you last weekend? If you really want to make talking to you an agonizing experience, then you really want to monologue about yourself as much as possible.

And don't ask questions about the other person. Be the one who answers questions; you don't ask questions. Do not, under any circumstances, give people the impression that you are interested in them or what they have going on whatsoever.

"How's it going, man?"

"Hey, hey, um, you know, I've been better. Um, my grandpa just died, actually."

"Grandpa?"

"Yeah, yeah, you're really close, and just like the first death in the family, so it kind of hit me hard."

"Yeah, damn, man."

"Yeah, my grandpa is super healthy; we're really happy about that, and um, yeah, he's 78. He just like ran a marathon. It's like really, really cool to see. Um, yeah, like man, grandpas are so awesome sometimes. Listen, um, can we borrow your truck on Friday?"

Tip number two: Talk about other people. Now, obviously, you can't talk about yourself the whole time. You might want to sprinkle in a little bit of detraction while you're at it. Talk about mutual friends or acquaintances in the most negative light possible.

Voice your dissatisfaction and your disapproval of their behaviors, their life choices, their outfits. You want to generally give people the impression that you're not someone who roots for people and want to see them do well. You really want to be known as someone who is judgmental, critical, and generally disapproving of the world around you and all the people in it.

"Jared's a good guy, you know, we all like Jared, but he keeps on bringing up his dead grandpa like all the time, and it's super depressing. Really brings down the vibe."

Tip number three: Be useless. Never extend your hand to help another person. Be incredibly stingy with your efforts to contribute to the world around you in any significant way. Look to weasel out of work and responsibilities as often as possible.

You know, let other people do the heavy lifting. Say you have a talent for playing the piano, and it's somebody's birthday, and you're at a party, and they say, "Joey, you know how to play the piano; can you play 'Happy Birthday' for us? That would be incredible; that would be so amazing." Say no! Don't be generous with your gifts. Don't shed positivity to other people. You're not a monkey; this isn't the circus. Always keep your gifts and talents to yourself.

Tip number four: Be a pessimist. One of the most important traits you can have if you want to be somebody who is tremendously unlikable is pessimism. You want to suck the life out of the room. If you're part of a sports team, somebody scores a nice goal, and they're in the dressing room afterward talking about, "Oh, what a beautiful snipe that was! Dangle, snipe, sully, boys." You want to be the person who says, "Yeah, that wasn't that nice; like, you could have gone top corner."

Somebody shows you a piece of art they've been working on; don't congratulate them if it's good. Explain how it can be better. Always be acutely aware of the fact that things could be better. Complain, complain, complain! Holy, it's so stupid—people are the worst drivers, man! I was stuck in traffic for 45 minutes today; it was brutal. Excuse me, why is my coffee cold? Oh, my back hurts, man! I just want to go home. Always find something to complain about. Call yourself a realist, but in reality, you're a pessimist.

Tip number five: Be close-minded. Assume that whatever information that you have in the present moment is the gold standard. It's better than whatever anyone else has been told. So when someone shares their perspective on life with you, always have a cognitive bias against it. It's not what you think, so it's probably wrong. Assume that because you read it in a book or watched it on the news, that it must be true.

Never create a space for dialogue. Don't talk about the nuances of a situation. Close yourself off to that negative influence. Most people are sheep anyways; don't let people influence you. Psychologically lock yourself into whatever belief you have and guard it with your life.

Tip number six: Develop a large ego. Maintain a constant facade that you are blameless and perfect. Never look at your situation objectively. Be blissfully unaware of your flaws, and if you do find some flaws, hide them at all costs. You can't let people know that you're human and just like them; you're perfect; you're a god.

A great way to make people feel like they just can't get close to you is to never show any kind of weakness or vulnerability. This will help you not be relatable whatsoever. Always build yourself up and talk very highly about yourself. Be snappy and defensive when anybody calls your perfection into question.

And that leads very well into tip number eight, which is: Don't take criticism. Just as important as maintaining the perfection of your character is maintaining the perfection of your work. If you made something, it's the gold standard. If people criticize it, they're wrong.

No matter how valid or constructive the criticism is, if it's directed at you, they're wrong. After all, you're the one who criticizes.

"Man, I am so excited about better ideas! We have the YouTube channel now, right? But I want to expand into like bigger and better things. The first thing I'm thinking of—kind of a no-brainer, honestly—small business loans. So if you need cash, you're a struggling company, a struggling business, I would love to just hand you cash. Obviously, we take a little bit of interest; that's the whole point of the business."

"But uh, so I just whipped up a billboard in Photoshop. You know, you're gonna be driving along the streets of LA, New York; you're gonna see these banners. Um, I personally think it's a super strong design, and I just want to establish trust, so I would love to hear your thoughts. I think it's pretty strong."

"Yeah, honestly, before I show it to you, just know: don't hold anything back; be as raw and honest as possible. I love feedback, so just, you know, be honest. I can take it."

"Okay, all right, I'll be totally honest. Okay, here we go. Hmm, pretty good, right?"

"Yeah, I mean, I think you could probably just use a little bit of work."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, for example, the big bracket 'not a scam whatsoever'—you're like trying to gain their trust."

"Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, we want all the trust we can get. Honestly, I think you could probably lose all of it, especially the 'not a scam whatsoever.' From just, from a design perspective, like I think it's probably not trustworthy at all."

"What do you mean it's not trustworthy?"

"I think if anyone saw this, they would for sure think it's a scam."

"Like in what way though? Like, I put specifically—like, I see where you're coming from, but not really because I put specifically 'not a scam whatsoever,' so people should look at that and say like, 'Okay, good, thank God,' right?"

"Yeah, right, yeah; no, I think—I wouldn't think it's a scam, right? And I'd hope it isn't a scam until I saw that I would think, 'Yeah, this is for sure a scam.'"

"Well, you, dude."

"Yeah, I mean, that's just your opinion."

"Yeah, dude, like I feel like I put a lot of effort into this, and like I know what I'm doing with Photoshop. As a YouTuber, I do this for a living, and I just know what people want to click on and what people want to engage with, and I just feel like this is a really trustworthy banner."

"Yeah, um, yeah, so thanks for your input; really appreciate it."

"Yeah, thanks a lot."

Tip number nine: Be flaky. You literally said, "Like yeah for sure count me in; I'll be there."

"Yeah, well, you know, like I don't know. It's been like tough, man—like my sister's cousin's dog passed away like a couple days ago. It's been really tough on the family, and I've been starting—"

"Yeah, don't be somebody that people can rely upon. You always want to keep people guessing as to whether or not you're gonna show up to any particular thing. And I think a great way to do that is to develop a track record of saying yes to things but then slinking out of it at the last moment. You're the guy who always has something that just came up last second.

"Oh, something just came up, I'm super sorry; I would have loved to have been there. Ah, I know I said yes, but I'm just so swamped with work. I really wish I could have came out. I guarantee you that if you keep behaving like this after a long period of time, people will eventually call you less and less until they don't call you at all."

"That's perfect; I guess I'll just let you go."

"Okay, all right, yeah man, sorry, that sucks, but yeah, whoops."

Tip number ten: Never assume initiative. Always wait around for other people to come up with plans and things to invite you to. Never have your own ideas; never have your own things going on, and never invite people to those things because there are no things.

If you couple this with the previous tip, then when people eventually do invite you to something, you're going to find an excuse to slink out of it anyway. And over the course of a long period of time, people just generally get the impression that you don't want to spend time with them, and they will move on to other people.

So if you are generally tired of having a thriving social life and you want everybody to just leave you alone and slowly drift away for the rest of your life, then I hope this advice will help you do just that.

Kind of a weird video today, not gonna lie. I do want to take this opportunity to give a big shout-out to Cuts for sponsoring this video. I'm currently wearing a Cuts shirt right now, and if you've watched the past like ten Better Ideas videos, basically, I'm rocking Cuts clothing in basically every single shot. Their stuff fits so well, it looks so good, and they're hooking you guys up with 15% off your order when you use my link in the description below or use the coupon code "Joey" at checkout.

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I don't think people have said swag for like seven years, but yeah, if you just want fresh clothing that looks good and fits well, then go ahead and pick up a Cuts shirt, and I can pretty much guarantee you it'll be your favorite shirt.

And if you liked this video, make sure that you actually hit the like button because when you hit the like button, the algorithm shoves my bald head into other people's home pages, helping them out, which also helps me out, so it's a huge win for everybody involved.

And if you're lurking here and this is the thousandth time you've seen my face, consider subscribing and subscribing to the second channel where a lot of new content will be posted this September. There's stuff there too that you can check out; it's pretty funny stuff; it's good stuff.

Other than that, thank you so much for watching, and we'll catch you in the next video.

"Do you get a new watch?"

"Yeah, I just got it; it's like super expensive, super fancy. I thought I'd treat myself."

"You've been buying a couple things; how'd you afford it?"

"Yeah, well, like I figured, I'm starting to make a bit more money, so like I figured I'd, you know, spend a bit more money too, just sort of compensate and just even it out."

"Yeah, I was also meaning to ask you; I'm like having a fun thing this weekend; I won't get into too many details, but I need just like a little bit of extra cash."

"I did like just—I like just gave you money like, yeah, the other day—kind of like similar level—like last week."

"Yeah, I feel like I can spot you, but I think that you should really start budgeting and saving. It's a pretty normal practice that people have."

"Well, what's the point of like I got a nice job and I make more money now? Like what's the point? I'm not spending. Do I just like to let the money sit there? Like that's such a stupid idea."