Who decides what is socially “normal”? | Christine Emba

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Why do cultures develop social norms? The clearest answer to me is that they're shortcuts. They provide you with a general guidebook of how to behave in society, at least for the place and time that you're in, and that can ideally help you live a better life.

Social norms that are enforced by our communities or by broader groups also come with enforcement mechanisms that are often more effective than our own knowledge. The positive motivations that we feel when we engage in social norms—a sense of pride, accomplishment, being looked upon happily by other people—are powerful. Then the negative reinforcements, a sense of guilt when we transgress social norms, help keep us in line.

But we're in a moment right now where society is changing rapidly, and where many of us are not sure whether old social norms still apply. How do you evaluate whether a social norm is past its sell-by date? Whether it's still useful in the modern era?

The English writer GK Chesterton talks about what one should do if you encounter a fence unattended in a field. Some people might have the impulse to just tear it down; after all, what is it doing there, standing alone in this field? But he actually suggests that one should investigate the fence. It may not seem useful to you in this moment, but it was probably put there for a reason, and one should try and figure out what that reason was before discarding the fence entirely.

I think that notion can be applied to social norms too, even ones that seem outdated. So here's one example: Should men open doors for women? When you're trying to figure out whether a norm has any use still, it's helpful to look at what it was there for originally. Was it there to help someone, to protect, to orient society in a useful way? Is that use case still in some way valid now? If so, maybe that norm is still doing something good, even if it isn't evident immediately to you.

With the dissolving of social norms, some people are looking for guidance. So who did people look to for guidance in the past? They looked to their parents, their families, they looked to religious leaders, and sometimes state leaders. Who do people look to for guidance now?

Well, let's say the slate has grown. It kind of feels like there's a coach for anything, whether it's meditation or parenting or how to become the best CEO. There are lifestyle influencers, fitness influencers, beauty gurus, and masculinity gurus. So what's problematic about seeking the guidance of a self-described expert? The problem is in the self-described; they may say they're an expert, but are they really? What qualifications do they have, and why should you believe them?

And then, again, there's the question of what social norms are for and how they're built. Ideally, social norms are adapted to situations, times, places, and the communities that they're embedded in. A social norm that may fit one community or one kind of person may not be applicable to everyone else. Similarly, the advice given by a fitness guru or a beauty influencer might sell well on the internet but might not actually be tailored helpfully to you.

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