we need to talk...

I found myself yesterday crying in a shower for literally no reason. Probably like there is some sort of stress that I didn't realize for a very long time. And it's currently like, ah, you know, hi guys, it's me, Dodie. Good morning! Or I should probably say good afternoon because it's currently like 3:55 p.m. Ah, so I woke up at like 2 p.m. today. I've been in a slum for probably like weeks, but this week it was like so hard for me to get up from bed.

Even like showering and stuff, it was just like so hard for me to do any sort of thing in my life. I know that I published a video called "Unproductive Day: My Life Vlog," but when I watch that video, I think like, oh my god, I was like so productive and I was calling that day unproductive. And now I just, I can't, cannot, cannot get up from my bed.

I think like I had a very negative and toxic relationship with productivity and I was like forcing myself to get up from the bed every single day. But I kind of like started to feel burnt out, and I realized how unhealthy my relationship with productivity was. And yeah, so now I cannot get up from bed, and I'm just like, oh, feeling overwhelmed and burned out.

So I decided to turn this situation into an opportunity, and I invite you guys into a challenge where I'm gonna be doing a 30-day get-back-on-track challenge—like however you want to call it—but in like these four weeks, I decided to certainly get back on track and have control over my life once again. And I will be like posting weekly vlogs where I update you guys about my situation, what I do for my mental health, physical health, and how I spend my days, etc.

So I decided to kind of do that, and I decided to try like a bunch of methods of relaxing and kind of like chilling and stuff because I think I'm like pretty bad at caring about my mental health. Like my mom always tells me, "You're so good at hustling, but you really don't know how to rest." So I should probably learn how to rest and how to care for myself more.

I've been just like scrolling through my phone, sleeping, and just like eating the whole week. I gained so much weight; like I'm not working out, I'm not reading, I'm not doing any sort of thing. And I'm not studying, I'm not reading, I'm not doing anything, and I'm just like eating and sleeping and waking up at like afternoon, sleeping at midnight. And just like I found myself yesterday crying in a shower for literally no reason, probably like there is some sort of stress that I didn't realize for a very long time.

And it's currently like, ah, you know, pushing myself down. And I feel like so stuck right now. You might think like, "Why are you feeling so stuck? You're literally taking a break from uni." And what the hell are you doing with your life? Because I cannot really explain why I'm taking a break from uni; it's a very private thing for me.

But the thing is, a lot of people, I've seen on the internet, are actually underestimating the amount of work you have to do in order to produce a video. I'm not in the agency or anything; I deal with every single thing by myself—like the legal things, sponsorships, videos, and you know SEO and all that stuff. If you have like created a good video on YouTube, you probably know how much work it is to produce a single video.

And also like another problem that I have is that my channel didn't grow naturally over time. Over a long period, one of my videos went viral and we gained a lot of subscribers and we gained a lot of views. But in order to keep that, in order to keep the audience engaged, you actually have to create better and better videos so that people can see that you're growing.

And so that people can think that, oh, it might be a good idea to subscribe to this channel and watch this channel. So it's really, really, really hard to keep people engaged. And I’m just like every single day spending my hours and hours to think about my videos, what I can improve, what I can do to keep people engaged.

I look to other YouTubers, and I still like analyze their videos. I just like spend hours and hours in a day on YouTube watching other people's videos so that I can like learn from them—what they're doing, what type of video they're producing, how it's performing compared to other videos. And I do all of these things by myself. It's so hard because I've seen a lot of YouTubers like going one video viral and gaining a lot of views, but losing these views and subscribers over a period of time because like they couldn't keep the audience engaged.

And in order to keep people every single time engaged, you have to actually put a lot of work in. And yeah, I'm just like currently doing that, but we are going like—we're going pretty great and actually, we're pretty successful in this. But, you know, I'm like really bad at relaxing and chilling and taking a break and caring about my mental health. And I can feel—I can feel the stress, it's just like building over time, and I just feel so bad right now.

Ah, yes, I think I do make a pretty good amount of money because of you guys watching my videos; I'm so thankful for that! But sometimes I kind of feel like I need to care more about myself. So I decided to do a one-month challenge of me caring about my mental health and me trying to get better because yeah, I'm just like crying every single day these days for literally no reason.

And I think like there is some sort of a problem that I don't realize. So I decided to talk with my mental health, talk with my body. Like, I don't know, we say it in Japanese: "talk with your body." I don't know if we say it in English. Like I'm talking with my body; I'm talking about my mental health. It's probably a wrong way to say it, but you know, you guys understand it probably.

Yeah, so I decided to chill, and I decided to care about myself more. Yeah, I do think that I make a great amount of money, but I like spend most of my money into gadgets so that I can create better quality videos. Like, I bought a new monitor, like a new webcam, and computer, and like a keyboard, mouse, microphone, and like a lot of stuff.

So yeah, I should probably spend my money a little bit more on myself so that I can feel better. But anyways, yeah, that's kind of like my mental health issues these days. But yeah, if you guys are interested, stay tuned because I will be posting like weekly vlogs where I share what I do, how I get better.

I think these vlogs really can help you because we will get better together. And yeah, so that's it. So yeah, my battery died, but the thing that I was trying to say is that I hope you guys will join this challenge and get back on track with me so that we can like become more productive in a healthy way and can have like a healthy relationship.

But the thing that I'm trying to say is that it's okay to not feel motivated, but we will get better with time, dealing with these emotions, dealing with these situations. I hope I can like help you guys. That's kind of like where I am right now; I'm just like so mentally stuck.

Huh, oh, I'm not like complaining; I'm not complaining about life. I'm just like telling the truth like how I'm feeling right now. I might like make it really easy on screen, but the reality is me crying every single day and trying to like manage my life and stuff. So yeah, that's kind of like where I am right now.

Let me know in the comments what you think or will you join this challenge? I hope you guys enjoyed this video. I don't think like there's something fun in this video, but it's just like me telling the truth to you guys. Yeah, but we'll get better on this journey. I'm with you guys, and with you, like I couldn't even like wear makeup for a video.

And just like woke up, and I'm just like wearing my PJs and just like filming a video. This is just like how bad I'm feeling right now. I'm just like, but yeah, anyways, see you guys. Bye!