The book that changed my social life

So when I first got into self-improvement, I had really bad social anxiety. Talking to somebody I didn't know very well, especially if they were a girl, was really difficult for me. Even carrying on a basic human conversation was something that I didn't really know how to do very well. I'd always be stuck in my head, thinking about what I was gonna say next and worrying about whether they were impressed with me. I also didn't have very many friends; people didn't really invite me anywhere.

So I started searching on Reddit for answers, you know, kind of lurking through self-improvement subreddits like I used to do quite a bit back in the day. There was a book recommendation that kept on coming up in every single self-improvement subreddit that I looked at. It seemed to be everyone's go-to book they would recommend for people struggling with social anxiety or struggling with being able to maintain a basic conversation. That book was How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

It came as kind of a shock to me because this book was published in 1936. In 2019, it's closer to the year 2100 than it is to when that book was published. Yet in 2011, Time Magazine ranked it as the 19th most influential book in American history. So it doesn't mess around. I started to get this vibe that it was the Bible of human communication. I gave it a read, and it changed my life.

I'm not saying that this book was responsible for everything good that ever happened in my life or anything like that, but what I do mean is that it changed my perspective. I learned some things from this book that I have carried with me to this day. I've never forgotten, and they've completely transformed the way I interact with people. Having conversations with pretty much anybody is not an issue for me anymore, and people actually invite me to stuff.

So I'm gonna go over some of the most impactful lessons from the book How to Win Friends and Influence People, and hopefully, it helps you out as much as it helped me out. Just a preface: before I dive into these tips, or these lessons, or whatever you want to call them, they are just tools. All these things I'm about to say are just tools. They're not absolute rules; they can be broken. But that being said, they are very powerful tools that I think work extremely well in most situations.

Especially this first one that I'm about to dive into. It's less of a tip or a tool, and it's more like a paradigm shift that you can apply to pretty much your entire philosophy when it comes to dealing with people. And that is Lesson 1: it's all about the other person. It may come as no surprise to you that everyone basically just thinks about themselves.

What they've got going on in their lives, what they want to eat for dinner, what they're stressing about, what they want to do tomorrow, the vacation they want to take next summer—they're not really thinking about you at all. You probably wouldn't be surprised to find out that you primarily think about yourself as well. When you think about other people, it's always in the context of you. It's like, does this person like me? Do they think I'm stupid because I said this thing? It's always about you.

Everyone else thinks that exact same way, so in order to become better with people, you have to realize this and see things from other people's perspectives. People's favorite hobby and people's favorite topic, and the one they're most comfortable talking about is things to do with themselves. So if you want to become a good conversationalist, you have to become an investigator in people.

Try to get them talking about what's going on in their lives, and you will never run out of conversation. People sort of know this, but they don't practice it because they feel like they're not getting anything out of the interaction. You know, by entirely focusing on what the other person has going on in their life, you're almost stepping on yourself and not allowing your own personality to shine or something like that.

But I found that kind of the opposite is true. When you become genuinely interested in other people and what they have going on in their life, they're a lot more likely to return the favor. A lot of people have been in a situation or a conversation where somebody starts talking about their dreams, their ambitions, their skills, and things they've done. Then the other person just responds with their dreams and their ambitions and the things that they want to do, and they sort of just start—it’s like a back-and-forth, they're trying to one-up each other, and nobody really gets anything out of the conversation.

No one's really listening; they're just focusing on basically measuring. But when you actually listen to the person talk about their ambitions and their skills, and you genuinely ask them pressing questions about what their motivation was behind this, what they think they got out of it, etc., and you actually practice being genuinely curious, not only would that person really appreciate the fact that you're actually asking genuine questions and that you're listening, they're way more likely to ask you genuine questions about yourself, and you can generate a pretty close friendship very quickly.

So next time you dive into a conversation with somebody new, genuinely try to be an investigator in what is going on in their life, what is making them tick, and try to get to know them and actually listen.

Lesson number two: make them feel valued. Now, before I dive into this tip, I just want to say something. A lot of people think that this book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and these tips that I'm giving, and the tips that are available in the book, that they're somehow manipulative. I don't see that as true. They're only manipulative if you use them to manipulate somebody.

Giving somebody a genuine compliment, or even if you make it a habit to give someone a genuine compliment, only does good. Putting somebody in a good mood by complimenting their appearance, a personality trait, or something that you genuinely find good about them often makes their day. They walk around the office or town or whatever they're doing with a kind of swagger in their step, all because you complimented on something that you noticed and that you liked about them.

One of the greatest ways you can make people feel valued is to use their name and use it liberally. "Hey Joey, how's it going?" "Oh hey Joey! Hey guys, look, it's Joey!" That makes me feel great when people use my name, especially if they don't know me very well or if I just met them maybe one time and they remembered my name. That makes my day! Like, it makes me feel valued; it makes me feel like they actually remembered our conversation. Even though they probably didn't, by using somebody's name, it makes people feel like you have a connection just instantly.

The second way to make people feel valued is to give genuine compliments. Once you start practicing empathy and start practicing seeing things from another person's perspective, like the book is all about, then you get really good at noticing things that stand out from person to person. And once you get in the habit of vocalizing those things, you'll become somebody who people gravitate toward and people just really like being around.

Once you start to become an investigator in people, you can really start to psychoanalyze people and compliment them on their actual personality. Complimenting someone's personality is often way more powerful than just complimenting something that's hanging off their body, a necklace or whatever; that sounded like there's a weird telling. Telling somebody that they're an extremely good listener and you really appreciate it is a lot more powerful than saying, "I like your shirt."

Before our final tip, just a quick word from today's video sponsor: T Shanley. Okay, so I decided to reshoot this ad because I'm noticing even more benefits of using T Shanley on my skin. So for those of you who don't know, T Shanley is a skincare system for men designed to take the complication out of good skin. Every single month, they ship you four different components to your door.

Number one is the wash, which you can use in the shower; that's what I do. Number two is the scrub, which you use twice a week, also in the shower. And after your shower, if it's the morning, you use the A.M. moisturizer. If it happens to be at night after your shower, you use the P.M. moisturizer.

As you've been watching this channel, you've probably noticed I don't have the greatest skin genetics, so I've never had beautiful skin, but I'm getting closer thanks to T Shanley. You guys have probably heard me talk about the slight edge or the compound effect, where simple daily habits that don't seem to do a lot equal huge success later down the road. One area of my life where that's been abundantly clear is my skincare routine.

Thanks to T Shanley, Better Ideas viewers get 20% off their first box. So click the link below if you want to take advantage of that deal, or just use the coupon code BETTERIDEAS at checkout. And yeah, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Okay, guys, so take a look at this scene from The Great Gatsby. I don't even really like this movie very much, but this is one scene that I remember; it's clear as day. I watched this like three years ago. This is the scene where Spider-Man meets Leonardo DiCaprio. I forget the character's names.

Look at the way this interaction goes. You see [Music] "I'm Gatsby." [Music] "His smile was one of those rare smiles that you may come across four or five times in life. It seemed to understand you and believed in you just as you would like to be understood and believed in." "Sorry, old sport. I thought you knew." "Please, just— I don't know what to say. Please forgive me." "It's quite all right. Had so much to drink." "Yes, Mr. Gatsby, sir. Chicago. I'm taking my new hydroplane out in the morning. Would you like to go with me? What time?"

When he meets Gatsby for the first time, he feels like there is understanding behind his smile. As powerful as Gatsby is, he still took the time to put his hand on his shoulder, look him in the eye, and really pay attention and focus on what Peter Parker was saying.

So the last tip is: focus. Pretend that the person in front of you is the only person in the entire world. This channel is all about focus. The skill of focus translates well to human interaction as well. If you learn to minimize your cell phone and social media use, if you learn to focus on slower-paced things and really hone in on things you find boring, even boring conversations, then you'll be able to make people feel valued and appreciated and listened to.

That's all that people want, even when they go on long spiels about all their goals and ambitions. All they want to hear is, "That is incredible! You know, good for you!" So why not make somebody's day by actually pretending that you care? Sometimes that's all people need: they just need somebody who pretends like they care. Bonus points if you actually learn to care!

So guys, these are just some of the lessons I learned from How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I'll put a link in the description for you to pick up your copy on Amazon. I'm not gonna make it an affiliate link or anything like that; it's probably pretty cheap. If you have an e-reader like a Kindle or Kobo, you probably find it online like an online PDF if you just Google How to Win Friends and Influence People.pdf.

If you liked this video, make sure to hit like because when you like it, the algorithm knows that it's a high-quality video, and it helps people see the video. If you're lurking here and you haven't subscribed, hit that subscribe button and then hit that bell icon so you don't miss future uploads. If you have any suggestions for videos you want me to cover in the future, let me know in the comment section below. That's all for today. Thank you for watching, and we'll catch you in the next video.