3 Tips on Negotiations, with FBI Negotiator Chris Voss | Big Think

How you use your voice is really important, and it's really driven by context more than anything else. Your tone of voice will immediately begin to impact somebody's mood, and then at this immediately how their brain functions. There's actually scientific data out there now that shows us that our brains will work up to 31 percent more effectively if we're in a good mood. So, if I smile at you and you see it, or you can hear a smile on someone's voice, if I automatically smile at you and you can hear that I like you, I will actually be able to reach into your brain, flip the positive switch, and put you in a better mood.

There are mirror neurons in our brain that we have no control over; they automatically respond. If I intentionally put you in a good mood, your brain will be working more effectively, and that already begins to increase the chances that you're gonna collaborate with me. You'll be smarter, and you'll like me more at the same time.

Now, I'll put in downward inflection. Downward inflection is often used to say, you know, this is the way it is; there's no other way. And I will say it exactly like that. If there's a term in a contract that there's no movement on and I want you to know it and feel it without me having to say there's no movement on this, which you know maybe you want to yell at somebody—and that's ineffective because that triggers a different part of the brain and makes people angry, and they want to fight—I’ve done this in contract negotiations. I've said things like, "We don't do work for hire," just like that. Well, that's the other side—no, there's no movement whatsoever.

I also may need to put you in a more collaborative frame of mind. If I want to ask you a question, I'll say something like, "It seems like this is important to you," and I looked up, it's more driven by context. I can use upward inflection to encourage you and smile while I'm questioning you, and that'll make you feel less attacked by being questioned because people are made to feel a little bit defensive when they're questioned anyway. So, if I know I have to question you, if I want you to think about a different option, I’m going to be as encouraging as possible while I may be very assertive at the same time.

The mirroring that I teach is not the same as the way most people think of mirroring. Most people, when they think of mirroring, they think of mirroring body language, mirroring tone of voice, even using the same words. It's not that at all. The mirroring that I teach is much more simplistic, and interestingly enough, it has a great impact on how the other person interacts with you. It's just repeating the last one, two, or three words that they've said word for word, or it's repeating a selected one, two, or three words.

What it really does is it helps connect people's thoughts. There will almost never be a time when you've mirrored the last three words of what someone said when they want to go on and explain and reward and expand. That mirroring has just helped give you a better understanding of what the other person is trying to say. It also gives you more time to think. It's a way to buy time in a negotiation for yourself; the other person doesn't see you buying time in any way, shape, or form. It's a great way, when you don't know what to say or where to go, to keep them talking in a way that they're very comfortable with.

One of my clients actually mirrors his counterpart's positions every single time. Every time they make a statement on a position, he simply mirrors it, he'll repeat it, he’ll expand it, and every time he does that, it also gives them a good feel for whether or not they're really stable in that position or whether there's quite a bit of softness in a position, completely based on how they reward and respond to his mirror. So mirroring is a great way to keep somebody else talking very comfortably.

The f-word in negotiations is "fair." Fair is the f-bomb, and when you begin to look for it, it’s stunning how many negotiations somebody drops the f-bomb in the negotiation. When somebody says, "We just want what's fair," that's actually a really bad sign. One of two things is going on.

Now, the cutthroat negotiators know how much I can punch your buttons if I say, "I've given you a fair offer," and that will immediately put you on the defensive and make you worry about whether or not you're being fair. Most people have an instinctive feeling about fair price, fair market. "Fair" is just like this incredibly overused term in negotiations: "I just want what's fair. What's the fair market price?"

So, if I say, "I've given you a fair offer," and I'm using you being unfair, I've immediately knocked you back on your heels. It's a way for me to gain an advantage on you if I'm that kind of a negotiator. The flip side of it is maybe I’ve been assertive enough in the negotiations, and I haven’t been using enough tactical empathy that the other person feels like I'm taking, taking, taking from them, and they'll respond with, "I just want what's fair."

That maybe someone is genuinely telling me very indirectly that they feel I’ve been far too aggressive. If they feel I've been aggressive, and if they feel treated unfairly, one of two things is going to happen: they're either gonna walk away from a great deal or they're gonna make implementation painful.

You know when the implementation of a negotiation is painful? When they drag their feet, when they don't make deadlines, when they don't deliver the product quality they're supposed to deliver, when they're not as thorough and paying as much attention to detail because they didn't feel it was a fair deal. That destroys your profit, so you have to really keep an eye out for the f-bomb in negotiations. When somebody else feels they've been treated unfairly, they're probably gonna hurt you over it.