The Priceless Benefits of Not Belonging

The experience of not belonging can manifest itself in different ways. You may not have belonged to the popular groups at school, perhaps you don't belong to a certain religious community, maybe you're the town's fool, or your family doesn't want to see you anymore. Whatever it is: not belonging can be painful, lonely, lead to feelings of disconnect, and it may be a lot harder to get things done when you never enjoy the benefits of in-group preference.

Also, it increases the chance of social isolation, which can lead to mental and even physical illness. But… not belonging in itself has its benefits as well. Let's talk about them.

(1) Ultimate freedom. Groups can not only restrict the way we think and speak but our physical movement as well. Perhaps they prohibit us from entering certain places, like buildings or even countries. Or we have to eliminate certain things from our diet, simply because of the group's ideology, whether or not supported by logic and reason. Admittedly, many things that groups prescribe can be very good for you. But that doesn't mean that we need the group's ideology to live a good life.

“Every ideology is contrary to human psychology,” said French-Algerian philosopher Albert Camus. So, we might sell ourselves short by engaging in ideological obedience. There are many groups to belong to, from religious communities to motorcycle gangs. But what an effort it takes to belong to these groups: to talk like they do, think like they do, dress like they do, you name it. And what is the reward? Well, that you belong, thus, you are surrounded by people that conform to each other based on certain characteristics.

Essentially, it's a form of safety. However, not belonging to a group grants us the freedom to look how we want, dress how we want, associate with and love who we want, think and say what we want, thus, being an ideologically independent thinker that is not encumbered by a group's narrative. Now, that's what I call freedom. Paradoxically, this also gives us the freedom to actually associate with and be part of a group of our own preference.

(2) Less in-group preference, more universal love. In Buddhism, there is a practice called Metta. Metta means loving-kindness. Now, this loving-kindness is not selective; rather it is a universal love for all sentient beings. What we often see happening in groups is the opposite. They deeply love the members of the group, while being hostile to those that do not belong to that group.

This is in-group preference, which can be great when you are part of that group, but not so great when you are not. This also means that this form of love is conditional because if you happen to become an outcast, this group love doesn't apply to you anymore. Try to convert to another religion, try to switch to another street gang or friends group or support a different soccer team, and see what happens.

Now, if you don't belong to a certain group in the first place, you don't receive love from the same people but you don't have to give it to the same people either. You are free to distribute your love to whomever you want. From this position, you can develop compassion for humanity as a whole. Or like the Buddhists do: for all sentient beings. I quote: “Just as a mother at the risk of life loves and protects her child, her only child, so one should cultivate this boundless love to all that live in the whole universe— extending from a consciousness sublime upwards and downwards and across the world, untroubled, free from hate and enmity.”

(3) Self-actualization above conformity. When I started this channel I made a highly criticized video about an idea called the sigma male. According to this idea, the sigma male does not identify with a specific place in the hierarchy, or with a group for that matter. His way is using the hierarchy to his advantage while maintaining his independence and autonomy. This could apply to females as well, of course, called the ‘sigma female’. Now, the person I described is someone who chooses self-actualization above conformity.

Because let's face it: both processes take effort. It takes energy to conform to what the herd perceives as the norm. To quote Camus again: “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” End quote. People need each other to some extent. For example, I'm happy to belong to the Kingdom of the Netherlands as a citizen and all the benefits that come from that, and it’s also part of my identity.

But, aside from abiding by the law, and conforming to some local customs in public places, I have great freedom in how I arrange my life and also in choosing my values. Now, I don't think that conformity is always a bad thing. In some cases, it is necessary for practical reasons. But instead of making it our default pursuit to belong somewhere, we can also put this energy into self-development, and become people that are more true to themselves.

There's a tremendous amount of energy we save by 'nonconformity'. However, the sacrifice we make is that we don't have a place in the herd. Which doesn't necessarily mean social isolation, by the way! To wrap it up: the benefits of not belonging are ultimate freedom, less in-group preference which could lead to more universal love, and self-actualization above conformity.

While making this video, I realize how much I love to be an individual who can be genuinely himself, ideologically independent, and, basically, question everything and everyone without repercussions. Even though it's a path of solitude and uncertainty, the delight of not belonging is truly priceless. Thank you for watching.