When Life Hurts, Stop Clinging to It | The Philosophy of Epictetus

Our very sense of wellbeing is at gunpoint when we cling to the fickle, unreliable outside world. Around two thousand years ago, Stoic philosopher Epictetus observed that people are burdened and dragged down because they tend to care about too many things. His cure, however, is not to stop caring altogether but to care about the right things and stop clinging to anything that doesn’t matter.

What matters and doesn’t matter according to Epictetus is bound to the reality of our place as reasonable beings in an ever-changing environment. This reality Epictetus makes clear in the underlying tenet of his work: ‘the dichotomy of control.’ Some things are in our control, others not. If we manage to concern ourselves with the things in our control, we are in a position of strength. But if we neglect these things, and focus on what’s not in our control, we are in a position of weakness.

Especially when we cling to what’s not up to us, we set ourselves up for a life of suffering. But what are those things that we cling to? And why is it better to let go of them? This video explores the philosophy of Epictetus, and what we, according to him, should focus on to be happy and content, and what we should let go of, and how we do this. By the way, you’ll find more Stoic wisdom in this new book - Stoicism for Inner Peace - which contains my collected works on remaining calm and focused in these challenging times. You’ll find a link in the description.

The two main sources of Epictetus’ philosophy are called Discourses and Enchiridion, which contain his words of wisdom written down by his pupil Arrian. These ancient texts can teach us many things about achieving a state of contentment and inner peace, but also about fortifying our minds against outside circumstances that we’d usually experience as hurtful. In the first chapter of Discourses, Epictetus makes clear that outside circumstances can only hurt us if we let them, which is if we cling to them.

He gives an example of going into exile, saying that being exiled doesn’t prevent him from going with a smile, nor from being cheerful and serene. However, if he had clung to the idea that being exiled is a great tragedy, or to his possessions and the people he had been separated from, he’d have been in agony. Epictetus knew very well that the possibility of being exiled isn’t ours to choose, but being cheerful and serene is. Therefore, he didn’t care about the former and focused on the latter. If we only focus on what we can control, and let go of everything else, then nothing outside of ourselves can harm us.

Now, the question arises: what exactly lies within our control, and what doesn’t? Here’s what Epictetus stated in the first chapter of the Enchiridion, and I quote: “Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.” End quote. So, simply put, the outside world is not in our control, but the way we choose to act in and position ourselves towards the outside world is in our control.

Again, Epictetus doesn’t encourage us to not care about anything. On the contrary: living a good and moral life in accordance with nature is a Stoic’s main goal, which lies entirely within our control. But he does encourage us not to cling to what’s not in our control because these things are fickle, weak, and unreliable. Yes, the enchanting, exciting outside world of pleasures - sweet but insatiable - we often deem interesting enough to pursue. So we desire what the world has to offer, and cling to anything that delights the mind and senses.

But losing what we cling to hurts. Unfortunately, what we gain and lose is up to Fortune. So if we let our happiness depend on things that aren’t up to us, Fortune controls how we feel. Therefore, it’s paramount that we stop clinging to stuff that we don’t control if we want to develop a strong and stable sense of well-being. Luckily, Epictetus provides us with situations and methods to do this, emphasizing the power of our reasoning faculty, and devaluing the things outside of it.

For this video, I’ve structured these things differently for the sake of usability, and based on what Epictetus had to say beyond the first chapter of the Enchiridion. Hence, I distilled three categories of things that we better stop clinging to from a Stoic point of view.

1. Stop clinging to objects, people, and power
   It seems part of human nature not only to become attached to the people we associate with but also to objects. We repeatedly mistake attachment, which has certain possessive elements to it, for love. And so, we deeply enjoy the presence of someone we’re fond of but are in agony when they walk out of our lives. And what’s even more tragic, is that we often suffer the loss of someone before this loss even takes place, which happens in our imagination.

Clinging to someone or something implies the continual hurt that comes with resisting a possible yet ultimately inevitable separation from what we’re attached to. In some cases, the fear of loss or abandonment becomes an obsession, meaning that our very lives revolve around preventing separation. The same goes for power. The ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus pointed out that power is insatiable, which is the reason why obtaining power usually leads to a hunger for power.

People corrupted by power have been the cause of misery countless times because they didn’t want to give it up and wanted more, which only causes stress. But the irony of power is that even though it suggests control, power in itself is not in our control, meaning that it can be given and taken at any time. Fighting the impermanent nature of existence is the way of the fool. If we want to live in accordance with nature, as Stoics do, then we must adjust ourselves to transience.

But how? Epictetus had a simple but profound piece of advice on how to treat the world when it comes to objects, people, and power. He suggested that we treat life as a dinner party. “Is anything brought around to you?” (Epictetus stated) “Put out your hand and take your share with moderation. Does it pass by you? Don’t stop it. Is it not yet come? Don’t stretch your desire towards it, but wait till it reaches you. Do this with regard to children, to a wife, to public posts, to riches, and you will eventually be a worthy partner of the feasts of the gods.” End quote.

He then goes on to say that when we can even reject the things which are set before us, we’ll not only be a partner at the feasts of the gods but also of their empire. This points to living conformably to nature or, simply, ‘by how things are’ instead of in conflict with it. Now, Epictetus wants to toughen us up against the pain of loss, by changing our perceptions of the things we love.

Instead of thinking that we own something, or that we’re entitled to something or to be with someone, we could see everything we have as ‘borrowed’. I quote: “Never say of anything, ‘I have lost it’; but, ‘I have returned it.’ Is your child dead? It is returned. Is your wife dead? She is returned. Is your estate taken away? Well, and is not that likewise returned? ‘But he who took it away is a bad man.’ What difference is it to you who the giver assigns to take it back? While he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don’t view it as your own, just as travelers view a hotel.” End quote.

When we think of it, Epictetus’ view of things isn’t far from the truth. We don’t own anything except our reasoning faculty, because if we’d own our children, our spouses, our estates, then we wouldn’t be able to lose them. Thus, the idea that we borrow fits reality better, as there’s always a moment of returning what isn’t ours. Clinging to borrowed goods is a recipe for pain. So, according to Epictetus, it’s no problem to have things, and even to enjoy them, as long as we’re able to let go of them anytime.

2. Stop clinging to the opinions of others
   Oh, how much we care about what others think about us. Many people move heaven and earth just to be liked. Why? Well, that’s the question. Especially in this day and age, simply ‘not being liked’ doesn’t endanger our lives in the majority of cases, as we’re not living in the tribal age anymore, when acceptance by the tribe was a matter of life and death.

However, people having a positive opinion about us has its benefits. For example, when we’re likable it’s easier to make friends. When we’re attractive, it’s easier to find a romantic partner. When we’re seen as smart and capable, companies are more likely to hire us. But Epictetus thinks that all these outside factors are inferior to our equanimity. He tells us, for example, that we shouldn’t be grieved when we aren’t invited to a party, especially if we don’t really like the host.

Getting invited to a party comes at a cost, which is praise and attendance. If we’re not willing to invest time and energy in socializing with a particular person, we shouldn’t be surprised if we don’t get invited to his party. We can’t have it both ways. By not getting invited we may not experience the joys of that party, but we do have this and I quote: “the not praising him, whom you don’t like to praise; the not bearing with his behavior at coming in.”

Now, that sounds like a pretty good reward. Regardless of the pleasure that it brings about, the ongoing pursuit of being liked is exhausting. Praising people we don’t want to praise, attending to social gatherings that we don’t want to attend. And for what? It’s not for the sake of tranquility, which cannot be achieved if we always worry about what people think.

Furthermore, Epictetus said that we must be laughed at, ridiculed, and despised if that’s the price we pay for “equanimity, freedom, and tranquility”. We must be content to be thought stupid, and when someone speaks ill of us we say: “He does not know my other faults, else he would not have mentioned only these.”

At the end of the day, the opinions of other people are beyond our control, but the degree to which they affect us lies within our control. Do we cling to people’s opinions and let ourselves be guided by them? Or do we take what benefit we can from them before we let them go forever to rot in the past?

It all comes down to skillfully handling the tool we’re given, which is our ability to form opinions about opinions. I quote: “Remember, that not he who gives ill language or a blow insults, but the principle which represents these things as insulting. When, therefore, anyone provokes you, be assured that it is your own opinion which provokes you.”

3. Stop clinging to outcomes and ideas
   The universe has subjected us without mercy. Try to control it, and we lose every time. Try to change what is, and we fight a battle we can’t win. Yet, people are often occupied with what should happen now, what should have happened in the past, and what should happen in the future. And the more they resist, the more life will hurt.

Epictetus tells us how we should treat a servant. Even though a servant is expected to be obedient, he makes clear that he’s of such importance to us that it should be in his power to not always conform to that idea. People are people, and it’s in their nature to not always behave as we wish. Now, what’s more important: that a servant is never bad, or that the master is happy? We can’t have both.

And the acceptance that a servant doesn’t always act as we please, is the price we pay for equanimity. We can use this example as a metaphor for anything. For example, we can’t expect the world to be inoffensive. Silencing people who are (in some people’s eyes) offensive is not going to change that there will always be someone offending someone as long as we haven’t given up our humanity.

So, the idea of an inoffensive world in which humans are involved is unrealistic. And imposing such an ideal on others probably does more harm than good. A more useful approach would be to start with being more kind ourselves, which is something we have control over. Others may or may not follow our lead, but that is not up to us.

As Epictetus stated: “Don’t demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well.” End quote. Epictetus emphasizes that we can’t control the world, but we can control our attitude towards it. Someone can insult us, but can’t control what we think or feel about this.

Someone can take away our possessions or steal our money, but can’t control whether or not we’re depressed about it. Our spouses can cheat on us, but it’s up to us to what degree this affects us. The coming and going of the world aren’t up to us. If we nonetheless cling to them, we lose. But if we accept them, and focus on living well despite the whims of Fortune, we win.

Thank you for watching.