Why We Isolate Ourselves and How to Reconnect

I think most of us agree that social isolation is a complex issue. It feels a bit like a classic ‘chicken and egg’ dilemma. We might ask ourselves: did our feelings of unhappiness and despair lead us to retreat into social isolation? Or, conversely, is it the social isolation itself that causes unhappiness and despair? Or is it perhaps a bit of both?

Social isolation doesn’t have to be a bad thing per se. In some cases, retreating for some time can be beneficial. On the other hand, social isolation can wreak havoc on one’s mental and physical health, which has been well-documented by researchers. In the latter case, we’re probably not that happy in our isolation, even if we tell ourselves we are.

What drives us to withdraw from the world, choosing solitude over connection? Is it the peace we seek or the fear that lurks within? Social isolation affects millions. This video explores social isolation, why we do it, and how to stop it. Also, I proudly present a recent collaboration with After Skool, which led to a beautifully animated video about Lao Tzu and his Taoist philosophy. Check it out on the After Skool YouTube channel. There’s a link in the description.

If you want to help keep this channel going, become a Patreon supporter. You’ll get access to ALL Einzelgänger videos ad-free. According to the World Health Organization, around 1 in 4 older people experience social isolation, and between 5 and 15 percent of adolescents experience loneliness. Studies found that feeling lonely and socially isolated are more common than ever. And the stakes are high. Numerous health experts argue that lacking social connections is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

They observe associated medical conditions, including infectious diseases, anxiety, depression, and premature death, as stated in the VCU Health magazine. U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy called loneliness a national epidemic. And let’s face it: according to a poll by the American Psychiatric Association, 30 percent of American adults felt lonely at least weekly over the past year, while 10 percent felt lonely every day.

Psychologist and researcher Louise Hawkley points out evidence of a link between social isolation and poor sleep quality, impaired executive function, accelerated cognitive decline, and impaired immunity at every stage of life. So, these conditions don’t only seem to affect older people; younger people who are socially isolated are at risk as well. Unfortunately, social isolation is also common among young people.

The Japanese Hikikomori is an example of a significant group of socially isolated youngsters. These modern-day hermits (mainly consisting of young men) have isolated themselves from society, generally stay in their parent’s homes, and often spend their time playing video games. A recent study found that the Hikikomori risk factors positively correlate with social withdrawal tendencies, depression, and anxiety.

The study also concluded that social withdrawal affects the individual, their loved ones, and society as a whole. As the Hikikomori generally rely on caregivers (mainly family members), they put these people at risk of burnout. So, in some cases, social isolation burdens one’s direct environment, although not always. Many people live in isolation while being largely independent of their surroundings.

But these independent loners aren’t off the hook. A 28-year study examined loneliness and found a link between loneliness and conspiracy theories. I quote: "We show that people reporting high levels of loneliness in adolescence, and those who experience increasing loneliness over the life course, are more likely to endorse conspiracy worldviews in midlife." End quote.

So, could it be that these echo chambers we’ve talked about in past videos are mainly inhabited by lonely people? It makes sense that, as one is socially isolated, one could lose touch with society, and one’s views about the world may become distorted. As one’s real-life social interactions and encounters with people are scarce or non-existent, and exposure to social media and all kinds of dark corners of the internet is high, it’s pretty plausible that this individual adopts strong but warped beliefs about reality.

Also, it’s common for terrorists and school shooters to be ‘solitary actors,’ people who operate alone and have been getting ready for their actions in solitude. Of course, this phenomenon doesn’t mean all loners are potential murderers. As I said, social isolation is complex; its effects vary per person. Some even fare pretty well in social isolation, such as the hermits living in the Zhongnan Mountains deeply contemplating their faith.

For others, social isolation is akin to the pits of Hell. Most people grow up in a social environment, starting with one’s family, then school, and then, often, work. During our lifetime, we have the opportunity to make friends, build our social circles, and get to know people in all kinds of shapes and forms.

The lucky ones have mainly positive experiences (or, at least, they perceive it so) and spend most of their lives well-connected to their social environments. But there are also less fortunate ones: these people experience not-so-positive interactions with others, sometimes to the point of shutting the door to humanity. Trauma, grief, disappointment, and distrust of others: these things commonly lead people to isolate socially.

My videos on loneliness and solitude have generated countless comments, which contain valuable examples of why people socially isolate themselves. But another thing we shouldn’t overlook is an unfortunate occurrence that drives many people toward social isolation and keeps them away from others. This monster keeps growing as long as the isolation remains: social anxiety.

I’ve been reading a book lately about social anxiety written by psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, which explores the link between social isolation and social anxiety in its introductory pages. Social anxiety is based on the fear that people will see something wrong about you and reject you, according to Hendriksen. This fear often accompanies physical symptoms such as trembling, sweaty palms, and a shaky voice.

For many, social anxiety, which is basically shyness on steroids, is so uncomfortable that they will avoid social interaction as much as they can, at least the forms of social interaction that arouse anxiety, which could be very specific. For example, around fifteen years ago, I experienced a panic attack in a hotel lobby during an unpleasant conversation with a receptionist.

For years, I avoided hotel lobbies until I found the courage to push through the fear and check myself in. This avoidance as a coping behavior for social anxiety can become so persistent that we eventually avoid social interaction altogether, as we don’t want to experience the discomfort it brings. Unfortunately, avoidance won’t improve social anxiety. It most likely makes it worse. And by giving in to it, we hijack ourselves.

I quote: "No matter how it manifests, social anxiety holds us back in our work, keeps love and friendship from deepening, and leaves us miserable and lonely." End quote. I get it: being afraid often evokes shame. But still, a dislike of people usually stems from fear. Maybe we’re not as introverted as we believe; perhaps we’re not as fond of solitude as we’ve been telling ourselves.

Maybe, underneath the justifying stories lies a fear of people’s judgment, rejection, and showing ourselves and revealing who we truly are. There could be a deep fear of getting hurt again by, for example, an intimate relationship with a narcissist. Whatever the reason is we socially isolate, we could ask ourselves: how has this been helping so far? Has it been an effective coping mechanism? Are we happier ever since?

Or does it make us miserable, lonely, maybe even resentful? Suppose we shut the door to the outside world and resort to our own quarters, our own little domains, spending our days in solitude. We are free to do, speak, and act as we please, away from the painful judgments in other people’s gaze. We don’t have to deal with people anymore; we don’t have to attend to anyone, we don’t have to take anyone’s needs and feelings into account.

Isn’t that an easy and convenient way of life? Solitude can be a blessing. Personally, I’m enjoying my alone time. It’s liberating and grants a dose of peace and quiet. But too much of anything is just what it says: it’s too much. What’s too much is different for everyone, so only you know how much solitude is too much.

Is it too much when significant feelings of loneliness creep up on you? Is it too much when you build resentment for a world that you’re hardly part of? Is it too much when you’re losing touch with reality and lose yourself in the world of conspiracy theories? It’s something everyone decides for themselves. If we're content in social isolation without burdening our caregivers, that’s great; but chances are, we're not happy at all.

Chances are we’re suffering. But despite our suffering, we would still rather be alone, avoiding social interaction. It’s easier to keep away from each other. It’s easier to avoid specific anxieties we have. With socializing comes a risk. It’s scary. You can be hurt. So, in a sense, avoidance is easy. We don’t have to face our fears. We don’t have to put ourselves in situations where we can be hurt.

Let’s revisit Schopenhauer’s Hedgehog Dilemma, which I covered in a previous video. This dilemma illustrates how hedgehogs move closer for warmth during cold weather but hurt each other with their sharp spines in the process. So, they move apart again but then suffer the cold weather. If you’re suffering in social isolation, you’re in the cold. And to get warm, you’ll need social connection, which, according to the dilemma, comes with pain.

Now, the question we could ask ourselves is: what’s worse? Is it suffering the coldness of loneliness? Or the painful spines? Could it be that the spines aren’t always that painful? Or is the pain there but fleeting? Could the warmth we get from social connection be more profound than the occasional stab? Could Schopenhauer’s assessment of interpersonal closeness be a bit too pessimistic?

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that people with more social interactions are generally happier, which is even true for introverts. Psychologist Melanie Greenberg wrote about the study’s results, saying: "Both introverts and extraverts were happier when they interacted socially than when they did not. But introverts seemed to be especially happy when they were having more in-depth conversations." End quote.

This study isn’t the only academic resource showing a link between social interaction and happiness. A vast body of research reveals the harmful effects of social isolation and loneliness and the strong correlations between social connections, community, and overall happiness and well-being. Social connection might seem daunting for the socially isolated, especially for those suffering from social anxiety.

But the juice may be worth the squeeze. Sure, the risk of disappointment and rejection always looms. But the benefits that lie beyond that risk could very well be worth it. Ultimately, the need for social interaction depends on the person. Some fare well in isolation, but many others—the majority, I suspect—don’t really want to be there.

As a lover of solitude, I believe I need less social interaction than the average person, but the need is still there. When deprived of interaction, I, too, feel lonely. And this loneliness adds up over time. I’ve realized that I value my slice of social interaction, and it’s worth fighting for.

The way to end social isolation is to get out there and connect with some of the billions of people on this planet. It’s really that simple. In theory, that is. Because even though there are billions of people we could potentially connect with, there are barriers that stop us from doing that. And, for a great part, those barriers lie within.

Unless you’re physically obstructed from socializing with people, having social interaction is possible. But there could be some internal blockages stopping it from happening. I have been shy as long as I can remember. And during college, I developed social anxiety as well. It significantly improved, although I still experienced it in some specific settings and situations.

But I found that after the pandemic, I was more anxious than usual. At least for a significant part, my thoughts are the root cause of my anxiety. These thoughts could be about the world, how terrible it is, and how unpleasant people are as a whole. These thoughts could also be about my inadequacies or certain fears about specific situations.

One way to overcome social isolation, which I found helpful, is to challenge and replace my thoughts. Is the world really that bad? Are people really that judgmental and unpleasant? Do people really think I’m weird and unworthy of friendship and intimate connection? Chances are that by mere reflection and honest assessment of reality, we realize that our thoughts are lying to us.

The mind is a master at catastrophizing. Chances are it needs correction. We can see social interactions more realistically by identifying and challenging irrational thoughts. For example, instead of thinking, "Everyone will judge me," we can reframe it to "Some people might notice my nervousness, but most won't care, and it doesn't define me." This shift in thinking can make it easier to take small steps toward reconnecting with others.

Acceptance also plays a part: accepting our flaws, awkward moments, and people behaving in ways we don’t like; that these things are not disasters—no reasons to hide under a rock—as we can handle them. Schopenhauer’s spines may be painful, and the risk of getting stabbed is there. But is this a reason to avoid social interaction forever? To, for example, deprive ourselves of friendship and intimacy?

Epicurus, the ancient Greek philosopher, regarded friendship as a profound source of happiness. He also regarded life’s pain as something we could easily tolerate. According to Epicurus, the worst pain is sharp but short-lived, and enduring pain is weak enough to bear. We could consider his perception of pain when taking the daunting journey out of social isolation, trusting that we can overcome whatever obstacles we encounter, such as rejection, ridicule, and judgment.

By remaining in social isolation, we don’t just risk mental and physical issues; we also risk missing out on the richness of human connection and the many experiences that come with it. Thank you for watching.