The secret to being more likeable

There be that man who just entered. You know that is which one, Chief, the man in the hat. [Music] That's Simon the likable. I don't care what his name is, Chief. I like him. Everybody at some point in their life has met someone who they would consider to be truly likable. [Music] Like in the upper 99.9 percentile of likability.

These are the types of people who, when you talk to them, you feel understood. You feel like they’re really listening. They value you as a human being, and they see the best in you. No matter where these types of people go, it seems like they have friends. It seems like people tend to celebrate them and elevate them to this deity status.

And it sounds kind of crazy, but that's why it's so rare. I feel like I can only name like three or four people I have ever met who fit that description. It seems like the more likable of a person you are, the more the world opens up to you. You know, people just enjoy being around you. They always want to invite you to things. They want you part of their company. They give you promotions.

And you can look at that and say, well, that's not fair. They don't deserve it. They're not more qualified than I am. But it doesn't make it any less true. The more likable of a person you are, the more people like you. You know, some people are very likable, and other people are very difficult to like.

The people who are likable tend to do better in almost every area of life compared to people that no one wants to be around. I've thought a lot about what makes somebody likable—what makes someone somebody that people love being around. Like what's the common theme, and can we implement those behaviors into our own lives so that we're just generally more likable as a person?

Now, right off the bat, you might have some resistance towards this proposition because you might be thinking like, oh, why would you want to be more likable? Why would you worry so much about what other people think of you? You're focusing on the wrong thing. You should focus on yourself, your own happiness, and then people who don't like it can screw off.

But I think that's overly simplistic and foolish. And if you think that way, you're not going to get very far in life, especially if you already struggle with people and you think that, you know, just being more of yourself is going to help. For some reason, it's like how has that worked out for you? [Music]

Because ultimately, we're creatures of habit. What we think is just part of our personality might just be a conversational tick or bad habit that we've picked up over conditioning over the role that we played in our friends' circle or our family. And it could actually be making us more abrasive of a person than necessary.

For instance, if you struggle to make good eye contact with somebody while you're talking to them and it's just a habit that you have, you tend to like look down all the time. If I told you that if you made better eye contact with people and you got more comfortable with making eye contact with people, you're not gonna say that that is somehow a betrayal of your personality.

You wouldn't say that I'm telling you to be someone that you're not. I'm not telling you to deny your God. I'm just saying that there are things that you do that make a difference in how you are perceived by others. And I believe that the most likable people just do those things better than the average person.

So in this video, it's a little bit of a different video. I'm just going to talk off the cuff about things that I've noticed about the most likable people I've ever met, and then hopefully we can try to figure out how to implement some of those behaviors and those mindsets to make us more likable and more enjoyable to be around, so that we can enrich our lives and have a better time with being social and interacting with people, leaving people better off than when we found them.

So the first thing that you need to do if you want to increase your likability is that you have to realize that nobody really cares about what you say more than they care about how you make them feel. How you make people feel when you're around them is the most important thing. That's the thing that leaves an impression on people.

In fact, 99 times out of 100, people aren't going to really remember the things that you said when they go home after you interacted with them. They're going to remember how you made them feel. Good manners make good first impressions. They have a lot to do with how well people like you.

A good example of this is when somebody that you're talking to is going on a rant about all of their problems, and they're really heated and pissed off, and they're, you know, they're going on a monologue about all the terrible things that have happened to them throughout the day. And you're listening, and you're kind of giving them the time of day.

And then you try to offer a piece of advice or an observation or ask them a question, but they just sort of steamroll over you and disregard anything that you say to continue in their monologue. When that happens, you kind of feel dejected. You kind of stop listening to all the particulars of what they're saying, and the only thing that you're left with is this feeling that they don't really care about what you have to say.

You know, they don't really care about your opinion. They don't care about you. So, “F” this person. Every interaction that you have with somebody is like that. What people remember about you is how you made them feel. It's the vibe that you give off. Is it one that is encouraging and empowering and collaborative, reciprocal? Or do you feel kind of expendable, like they don't really care about your unique situation, your unique perspective?

They don't really care about any advice that you have to give. They might as well be ranting at a brick wall. Here's another example: say you're a guy and you're on a date with some girl, and you are talking about all these things that you think are very impressive. You're saying a lot of words. You're talking about what you do for a living. You might be saying stuff impressive like, oh, I have a six-figure income, blah blah blah blah, I have three sisters, something something something.

And then once you realize that you've been monologuing for a little bit too long, you ask routine questions to them, like, oh, how many sisters do you have? What's your favorite color? Blah blah blah blah. You know, this goes back and forth for an hour or two. And she goes home, and while she's at home, she was thinking back on the date, and she was thinking to herself, you know, seems like a nice guy, but I just didn't feel that spark, like I didn't really feel like we had chemistry.

That spark is everything. That spark is what people think of you. They don't think about all the little things you said. They don't really think about all the things that you did or what your job position is like. No one really cares. What they care about is that spark. And that spark is the energy you give off.

How do you make that person feel when they’re around you? If you're sitting there in an interaction with somebody and you are tense and you are performative, then they're going to be tense and performative as well. The most likable people on planet Earth realize this. You know, they put people at ease because they're at ease.

That's what good manners do. They make everyone feel at ease. They feel so comfortable with conversation, with eye contact, with being playful. They realize that people like you when you make them feel important and valued.

That's what a boy likes. He wants to know he's appreciated. You might hear that and say, okay what am I supposed to do then? Am I supposed to just be a pushover and just never voice my opinion on things and make people feel so special and comfortable? And like listen to all of their problems and never talk about my problems or my life and just be like an interviewer? That's not what I'm saying.

And that's never the way it works out because nine times out of ten, when you are genuinely interested in someone else and you act genuinely interested in someone else, they feel special and they end up liking you more. And when someone likes you, they're more likely to ask you questions about yourself. So it's almost like you have to give first and then receive.

So another thing you might say is, what I'm just supposed to pretend to be interested in what they're saying? Like, that's not very genuine. I thought that good connections came from authenticity and honesty. So if I'm not honestly interested in what they have to say, then the entire friendship is built on a facade.

But here's a weird thing that I've noticed—it’s almost paradoxical. Because the people who are most comfortable with who they are and the life that they live are usually the people who are least desperate to talk about themselves. Because think about it. If you're insecure and you don't like your life, then everything that you say about your life or your job position or what you tend to do on Saturdays, you're subconsciously hoping that the other person says, oh, that's really cool. Oh, wow!

Like you want so desperately for someone to say, wow, you make six figures! Oh, that's such an interesting job! That's amazing. But think about it, everyone thinks like you. Most people are insecure.

So if you are that for people—if you're the person who says, oh wow, that’s super interesting, tell me about that—people say, oh my goodness, let me tell you about it. This is awesome. Someone's listening. People are dying to be listened to. People are dying to be called by their name, to be looked at in the eye, to feel like man, I don’t know if that guy really cares about me, but I sure felt like he did.

And that makes me feel good about myself. That's the key to likability. So I think it all boils down to a few things. If you want to be the most likable person that you can be, the most likable version of yourself, then firstly, you have to live a life that you like.

The more you're interested in the world around you, the more interesting you become. You have to find yourself likable. You have to admire the things that you do on a day-to-day basis or at least not actively participate in something that ruins your opinion of yourself.

Because if you dislike yourself, then curiosity in other people is hard to come by. You can't afford to be curious about other people because you need their validation. You need them to validate you. But people who are secure in themselves and their lifestyle will find that, oh, they don't necessarily need people to comment on their life because they like their life.

So then they can actually have fun with conversation and ask questions that they find interesting and be interested in the other person. And as a result of that, the people that you're listening to will say, wow, I like this person. I want to ask them questions about their life. And then that's when that reciprocity can get going.

Those are just some thoughts that I've had. The people that I think are the most likable in life not only like themselves or at least carry themselves like somebody that they admire, they treat themselves with respect. But because of this, they're able to go into a room and not be desperate for other people's approval.

They can sit there very comfortably and easily ask people follow-up questions about their life and be genuinely curious because there's a lot to learn from people. There's a lot of things that people have gone through that you can't imagine and that are genuinely interesting, and they can't wait to tell you, but no one ever asks.

You know how to keep your friends? You got to be pretty considerate, look for the good in people, give them credit for being as straightforward as you are. Yeah, it might work! So, yeah, let me know what you think of all that. It's a little bit more of a loose concept video. I'd be super interested in hearing what you've observed about the most likable people in your life.

You know, when I say the most likable person, you know someone probably pops into your head. What makes them likable? Comment below! And if you're looking for less theoretical tips and you want like step-by-step things that you can do to make you more likable, then one of the coolest books I've ever read is "The Like Switch" by Jack Shafer.

It's basically an ex-FBI agent's guide to making people like you and winning people over, based on hard-won evidence that the FBI uses to actually convert foreign agents into the FBI. It's wild, and I highly recommend listening to the audiobook version on Audible, which is today's video sponsor because that's how I enjoyed the book.

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And if you liked this video, watch my previous video. It's not doing too well in the algorithm, and I really liked that video. It meant a lot to me, and it changed a lot of people's perspective. Some people just straight up didn't get it. They're like, you just said eight minutes of absolutely nothing.

But other people are like, dude, this is some of the most poetic I've ever seen! So make up your own mind on that. I'll put a link for that in the description below. And a big thank you to Dimitrios, who usually edits my second channel videos. He edited this video.

So if you liked the editing or you absolutely hated the editing on this video, be sure to let Dimitrios know. This is the first time I have not edited one of my Better Ideas main channel videos, so let me know how we did. Other than that, thank you so much for watching, and we'll catch you in the next video.