STOICISM | How To Deal With Insults
For a great part, stoicism teaches you how to reach a peaceful state of mind and being unmoved by things that are not up to you. One of these things are insults, which often lead to the receiver getting hurt, angry, and even resentful. The thing is, what other people say to us is beyond our control. Nevertheless, the majority of people seem to get triggered when they get insulted. That's why I decided to make a video about how to deal with insults.
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In this age, it seems that no matter what we say, there's always someone offended. It's almost like people are deliberately looking for the experience of getting insulted in order to let out their anger and fight back. I think that most Stoics would agree that most of the time getting triggered is a waste of time. Of course, there are situations in which self-defense is a must, but things like a verbal insult are not worth wasting your energy on. Unless you're like me and like to troll the insult—or sometimes just for entertainment.
In fact, it's a very stupid thing to do because it could escalate the situation to violence. Nevertheless, the gap between insults and actual violence is often large enough to give us room to let insults—and even threats—slide off of our shoulders and move on. This way, we maintain our peace of mind.
There are different ways to approach an insult depending on the type of insult. When someone throws an insult at me, the first thing I ask myself is: "Who am I dealing with?" Because in many cases, the insulter is just plain ignorant. If that's the case, spending time on the insult is rather pointless. The negative visualization, which I explained in the video "Seven Stoic Exercises for Inner Peace" (link below), is a great preventive measure, making it easier for you to filter out these types of insults during the day.
Other insults are driven by anger and could be paired with violence, like a punch in the face. So will you strike back? In this letter to Lucilius called "On Anger," Seneca explains that not striking back will stop the quarrel because it takes two people to fight. Yes, the attacker or insulter might be perceived as the winner, but according to Seneca, the winner is actually the real loser. Especially if the intention of the attacker is to provoke a reaction.
By not reacting, he or she loses the opportunity for a fight. Seneca wrote, and I quote: "He struck you; well then, do you fall back? If you strike him in turn, you will give him both an opportunity and an excuse for striking you again. You will not be able to withdraw yourself from the struggle when you please."
Another type of insults is the one that actually carries wisdom in it. When someone tells you something that offends you, instead of striking back, defending yourself, and getting angry, take some time to reflect on the insult. What can I learn from this? What is my role in this? Should I ask the insulter to explain more about the insult? Could this be an opportunity to improve the relationship with the insulter?
Calmly examining an insult is like killing two birds with one stone: you maintain your peace of mind, and you are given a potential opportunity for improvement. What's the point in getting upset when you are dealing with insults? Epictetus goes one step further, telling us to remind ourselves that not the outside circumstances create the insult but our own judgments. He said, and I quote: "Remember that what is insulting is not a person who abuses you or hits you, but the judgment about them that they are insulting."
People that are offended by petty things often don't realize that their minds have turned these petty things into an insult. Many times, they are offended by people that don't even have the intention of being insulting. In that case, it might be a good idea to examine your own mind before you get triggered. This doesn't mean that we should not defend ourselves if necessary, especially when your life is in danger. Striking down your enemy is justified.
However, there's always a danger that we cannot let go of an event that happened in the past, regardless of who started it and who ended it. Attaching ourselves to this event...