The fastest way to ruin your entire life

Here's another quick tutorial on how to ruin the rest of your life.

Step one: Close your body language. Go throughout life with a closed body language. Slouch your shoulders, keep your head down, don't make eye contact. Don't give anybody the impression that you're someone they can talk to or someone they can trust. Appearing socially unreceptive will reduce the amount of friends you make and keep spontaneous human interaction to a minimum, which is great! Now, hopefully, everyone can just get out of your way and leave you alone.

Step two: Check your phone. When in doubt, check your phone. Even if you don't know why, always look occupied so you don't have to interact with anybody you're not comfortable interacting with. It could be awkward or unpredictable, so don't risk it. Tickle your brain stem whenever you don't know what to do. Make this your default. Do it so often that you genuinely forget how people are supposed to interact, further solidifying this automatic behavior.

Step three: Be late. Never be early to anything. Always tend to show up right on time or a few minutes late. Don't give anybody the impression that you're prepared, diligent, or have decent time management skills. You don't want to come across as too keen. Plus, being early is awkward. What if you have to talk with somebody you don't really know? Like, what are you going to do? Make a new friend?

Anyways, when you do run late or make any kind of mistake in life, you should always make excuses. Always have some sort of half-baked reason why you did a bad thing. Blame something, anything but yourself. Never own up to your mistakes or try earnestly to correct them. Just cycle through a rotation of excuses and keep track of how recently you've used them. The bottom line is that you should never admit that your wrongdoing is your fault—even when you know it is. Lose track of the last time you apologized.

Step five: Develop an external locus of control. Begin to actually believe that nothing is your fault. Choose to believe that everything in your life happens to you and nothing because of you. That you had no part to play in your misfortune. Doing this will trick your subconscious into relinquishing control of your fortune as well. You'll begin to believe that success will just happen to you.

Step six: Steal the spotlight. Always find a way to steer the conversation back to yourself. Whatever story you just heard isn't as crazy as that thing that happened to you that one time. Never ask anybody how they're doing, and if you do, out of courtesy, take the mic back as soon as possible. After all, how are you supposed to get any validation without talking about yourself? And you need as much validation as you can get. Acting this way around other people will make you so exhausting to be around that you'll find yourself slowly losing friends instead of gaining them.

Step seven: Detract. On the off chance that you're not talking about yourself, make sure to talk about others in a negative light, especially if you can find someone else who shares your toxicity. Cackle and sneer at people you don't like. Convince yourself that they should know better. Become so proficient at noticing the flaws in others that it becomes an automatic reflex. Let any celebration or words of affirmation sour in your wake. Serve every compliment on your back.

Step eight: Shape shift. Say one thing, do another. Act one way in front of others and another way behind closed doors. Live your life as if you're several different people. Be unpredictable, even to yourself. A chameleon! Whatever you need to be at any given moment, be so unfamiliar with your own moral standards that you lose any sense of identity.

Step nine: Wish. Never surrender yourself to the effort of planning or the humility of prayer; simply wish for things to be different. Fantasize daily about your perfect world and your perfect life. Reject the cards you've been dealt. Refuse to play an active role in the shaping of your destiny. Just wait for the knight in shining armor to come prancing down the hill.

Step ten: Shrink. Regularly participate in activities that steal your life. Don't engage in behaviors that make you feel strong. Always take the path of least resistance. Convince yourself that what's good for you is bad and what's bad for you is good.

Step eleven: Despair. Believe that you are unworthy of redemption, that somehow your flaws are unforgivable. Actively reject your own forgiveness. Subscribe to the idea that no matter what you do, you're destined for condemnation. Believe that you are fundamentally bad. Since human beings tend to act according to what they believe they are, this will make it much easier to continue doing bad things. It's just who you are. Live your life as if you've been dead for 20 years and it's already too late to change anything. You had your shot; it's over.

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