You’re Not Lazy : How To Force Your Brain To Crave Doing Hard Things

I found myself struggling to stick with the gym, eat healthy, or reduce my alcohol consumption, even though I know it's good for me and probably what I'm supposed to be doing. For the last 5 to 6 years, I struggled with binge eating and body dysmorphia quite a lot. No matter what method I would give it a try, having a healthy relationship with my body and with food seemed like an impossible task.

But over the years, I've learned that it's not about a lack of motivation or willpower, even though a lot of people say that way. It's about mastering a skill we all can learn: doing the hard work without relying on motivation. When I started to dig deeper into how we can control ourselves, I stumbled upon a book called "The Marshmallow Test." It's basically about a study where they gave children a choice to either consume one marshmallow immediately or wait and receive two marshmallows later, to measure their ability to delay instant gratification, AKA doing the hard work.

I probably would fail. You might think that the test was a simple psychological experiment, but in follow-up studies, they found that the children who managed to wait longer were assessed as being more successful in life. They were better at focusing, planning, and also scored higher on their SATs. Additionally, they also scanned the participants' brains, and they found that those who excelled in the marshmallow test—those who waited—had much more activation in their prefrontal cortex, the front part of their brain.

So what does it mean? How does the activation in our prefrontal cortex relate to delaying gratification? I know it sounds complicated, but let me explain. Our self-control depends on two systems that are functioning in our body: one that instantly reacts to our environment and one that controls our behavior. Our emotions and basic biological needs are regulated by our limbic system, also called the "hot system." The hot system immediately reacts to any arousing stimuli.

So let's say when a child sees a marshmallow, his hot system makes him want to eat it right away instead of patiently waiting for more. On the other hand, we also have a cool system. It's located in our prefrontal cortex—in the front part of our brain—and it's the part of our brain that's responsible for self-control. Now, it starts to make a lot of sense. The cool system is essential for making decisions for planning, or anything you know, making decisions and planning ahead, etc., etc. So when we need to control ourselves, our cool system is active.

People with ADHD, like me, have lower activation in their prefrontal cortex, which means that their ability to control themselves is lessened. I don't know why I'm so hyped up about it; like it's one of the things that ruin my life. But anyway, although our hot system is functional straight from birth, the cool system develops throughout childhood. This is why it's much more difficult for young children to resist any immediate gratification. So if you have a kid and if they can't resist anything, don't be mad at them, okay? They don't have the cool system yet. Be patient.

As we get older, we gain more self-control. So everyone has the ability to improve their self-control, which is good news because our life experiences are constantly remodeling who we are. This also means your self-control can also decrease too. So delaying gratification is one of the most important skills in my life, in my opinion, if you want to have a happy, fulfilling life.

Okay, let me explain why. Let's say you're super angry at someone you love, and you want to argue with them; you want to shout at them or something. But instead of giving into these immediate emotions, you could choose to use your communication skills to find a constructive solution. You can take a step back, think about the situation, and rather than shouting at them, you can come up with a response that builds rather than breaks.

I'm quite sure that you also had the experience of saying things that you regret while you were angry, right? I mean, I do. But if we practice delayed gratification, we decrease the chance of losing to our anger. Another example can be binge-watching Netflix or endlessly scrolling through social media, like looking at the Kardashians or something. It's easy; it's comfortable. But is it really serving us? No. Instead, we could use our time to gain skills or knowledge that will advance our career and life, turning that time into a personal investment.

One of my all-time favorite quotes goes, "We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces, while regret weighs tons." Isn't it cool? So can delayed gratification and self-control be learned? If so, how? The great news is, even though some people have better impulse control—I don't—it's proven that delaying gratification is a learned behavior, a behavior that I could learn.

One of the ways to practice delayed gratification is by creating "if-then" systems. It's basically a way to improve self-control by creating easy-to-follow rules. You make a rule where if a certain thing happens, then you do a specific action. For example, if I want to binge-watch Netflix shows, I will do it at the gym while walking on a treadmill. Or let's say I feel like eating chocolate; I will go to the supermarket by walking and get one.

I'm not saying to quit chocolate, but if you want to have it, then you will go to the supermarket. So the first step in creating an if-then plan is to identify the hot spots that trigger the impulsive reactions you want to control. Let's say you've been struggling to quit drinking every night. You can make a rule: if you want to drink alcohol, you will wait 15 minutes and then decide whether you still want it.

The hard part is identifying these impulsive reactions. It can be quite difficult since most of us live on autopilot. Like, I don't even remember what I did yesterday. One of the practices I've been doing is jotting down simply whenever I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing. For example, I use my iPad menu quite often for that, or just simply writing in my journal, or just taking a note on my phone if I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing—scrolling on social media.

I just take a note saying that I'm scrolling on social media, even though I shouldn't be doing it. The more you write, the more you will realize the areas you struggle with, and it raises the awareness towards your actions because then you will be able to see how many times and what kind of actions you've been doing even though you don't actually want to. Right? Like, I've seen myself writing so many times, "scrolling on social media without any purpose."

I have to mention another thing that has been really helping me: Headspace. Okay, so now I know what you're thinking, right? "Oh, here comes the sponsored part, secure the bag!" But the truth is, I genuinely believe in the impact it has had on me because Headspace is an app that guides you through mindfulness and meditation. So if you don't know, meditation is clinically proven to help activate the prefrontal cortex, the part that controls our self-control.

Since I have ADHD, and my prefrontal cortex is quite weak, actually doing meditation is one of the things that is quite recommended for people with ADHD to strengthen that power and control. It doesn't mean your ADHD goes away if you meditate every single day for hours, but it really helps with it. So like meditation helps me quite a lot with understanding my impulses better, and it makes me more aware of my actions, which helps me to identify the patterns that happen to me so that I can create these if-then systems to help prevent those from happening in the future.

It's also like having a mindfulness coach, right? Like, whatever that means! Meditation, you know, with Headspace helps you get on track when your mind starts to wander, which happens to me every single time. Even right now! And also, it's not about doing it perfectly. Everyone has their own preferred way of meditating. For example, I meditate in bed; you know, different routines, frequencies, or types of content. And that's the beauty of it, and you can find those on Headspace.

So just taking a moment to make sure you are comfortable, Headspace allows you to personalize your mindfulness journey. So if you have been wanting to try meditation but are not sure where to start, Headspace is giving a 60-day free trial, no strings attached. You can find the link in the description or scan the QR code on the screen. If you haven't given meditation a try, I'm telling you, you're missing out because it's actually really good!

So the great thing about the if-then system is eventually you won't need those rules anymore because the behavior will become a habit of yours, and you will do it automatically. When we think that way, habits can be quite scary because once it becomes a habit of yours, you don't even realize that you're doing that thing. So rather than going down the downward spiral of bad habits, we can use it to create good habits, so that we do things that will be grateful for in the future.

Also, if-then plans work not only when the signal comes from outside, let's say like an alarm walking into a bar, but also from inside feelings like cravings, boredom, anxiety, or anger. This technique helps make good habits automatic after a while. For example, brushing your teeth is also an actual if-then system! You know, if I decide to sleep, then I will brush my teeth. And I hope you're doing that same thing.

Eventually, you won't need those rules for yourself anymore, as the behavior will become automatic. Like, I don't even think about brushing my teeth before I go to bed. Another important strategy is to identify when exactly you need to exercise more self-control. For that, you need to analyze yourself. Whenever you're stressed, for example, you might get angrier. So analyze that pattern and decide what you would do.

For example, whenever I'm stressed, like when I have deadlines and projects that I need to ensure I get done on time, I get really stressed, and I find myself drinking a lot of alcohol. So one of the if-then plans that I made for myself is to go to the gym whenever I'm feeling stressed, and then drink if I still want to drink after my gym session. Most of the time, I realize that I actually don't want to drink anymore, right?

In my brain, that was a kind of coping mechanism for me, but because I created this if-then system, whenever I'm stressed, then I go and get a good workout session done. That really helped me to practice delayed gratification because rather than getting that dopamine rush from alcohol, now I get that dopamine from working out, and I practice delayed gratification. Also, working out helps with developing your prefrontal cortex too.

And let's say you eat a lot when you're upset or stressed, right? In that case, you could make a plan: if I feel upset and want to eat a lot, then I will make myself a cup of herbal tea, journal, maybe meditate, and maybe take a quick nap or go for a walk. Identifying these are quite hard, and that's why most of us struggle, in my opinion. The more I delve into self-improvement, the more I realize the importance of being mindful with ourselves.

Whether you pick meditating, journaling, yoga, or even going for a silent walk alone, the important point is allowing yourself to fail and just observe what's happening around you and how you're reacting. Because changing is difficult, and it's also really painful. I'm sure you're experiencing a lot of stress, and there are a lot of issues in your life that you need to figure out. But just don't forget to be kind to yourself because failure is a part of the journey.

I forget to be kind to myself too, but we need to make sure to learn from our mistakes and try to create if-then systems to prevent them from happening. It won't be easy for sure, but good things are never easy, right? I'm here for you, and I'm rooting for your success. See you soon!