How Philosophers Handle Rejection (Diogenes, Schopenhauer, Epictetus & Zhuangzi)

Living in absolute poverty, the great cynic philosopher Diogenes slept in public places and begged for food. One day, he begged in front of a statue. When someone asked him why he did so, Diogenes answered: “To get practice in being refused.” For a beggar, being denied food is part of his existence. And even though this experience can be painful, he'll starve if he doesn’t face it.

But if he trains himself to become indifferent towards it, he’ll have no problem asking people for food and might even get it. Similarly, many people fear being rejected because they experience it as painful. As a result, they avoid situations in which they could be rejected. And so, they rather not apply for jobs that might be out of their league, avoid asking out a romantic interest when there’s a possibility of refusal (which is always the case), and never ask friends to hang out as they might turn down the offer.

But when we fear rejection, what do we fear? Is it the disapproval from other people? And if so, why do we care so much about that? Or could it be that we fear the idea of being inadequate? This video explores the experience of rejection and several philosophical ideas that could help us overcome it.

When we look at our species, we see that human beings love to be part of something. Often, we wish to belong to the people around us; we want to be in relationships, we long to be part of something bigger than ourselves. However, to achieve this, we generally need approval from other people. Other people determine whether or not we’re good enough to be part of the group.

We experience this phenomenon in the playground when we’re small children when the other children have to assess if we’re good enough to join a game of “hide and seek.” Later, the popular kids decide who sits at their table during lunch break. And, when we’re adults, other people decide if we’re qualified for specific jobs, the right fit for certain social groups and settings, and even if we’re eligible for a romantic relationship.

And thus, if we want something in life that requires other people’s approval, we’ll eventually face rejection. In many cases, rejection is based on logic and reason. For example, rejection is an expected and reasonable outcome if someone in a wheelchair applies for being a professional soccer player. Or when someone without any relevant education, work experience, or skills wishes to become the CEO of Google, rejection is inevitable. In such cases, we’re simply not skilled enough for the task.

In many other situations, rejection doesn’t always seem fair. People may reject us for flimsy reasons, like clothing style, even though we’d be highly compatible in other areas. Despite sharing many interests, potential friends may dislike us because of our looks. A nightclub may deny us entrance for the same reasons, even though we could have been long-term customers. A company may choose another candidate based on physical features rather than skills and experience.

Despite the superficiality and irrationality of people’s judgments, those who face rejections often feel personally humiliated. Being rejected by those we’re romantically interested in leads to feelings of inadequacy. When people reject us, we believe we’re not good enough. The more rejections, the stronger this idea becomes.

But, according to Arthur Schopenhauer, we make a mistake if we take too seriously the judgments of other people. I quote: "What goes on in other people’s consciousness is, as such, a matter of indifference to us; and in time we get really indifferent to it, when we come to see how superficial and futile are most people’s thoughts, how narrow their ideas, how mean their sentiments, how perverse their opinions, and how much of error there is in most of them; when we learn by experience with what depreciation a man will speak of his fellow, when he is not obliged to fear him, or thinks that what he says will not come to his ears."

And if ever we have had an opportunity of seeing how the greatest of men will meet with nothing ...