In Search of Healthy Masculinity

As a man, what is your place in the modern world? Qualities usually associated with being masculine don't seem to have a lot of value anymore. Strength is rarely necessary. Hiding emotions isn't appreciated and can even be considered unhealthy. Self-reliance? How about being a team player?

Present-day society values brains over brawn, openness over being closed off, and an anti-feminine attitude often associated with masculinity is maligned as misogyny and homophobia. Online, you often see men referred to as privileged. "There's too many of us in this profession or that industry, and we need to make more space for women." And stop telling women to smile.

Young men might not even be familiar with the concepts of male privilege, patriarchy, or inequality until they're being shouted at on social media in all caps. If you try to say anything at all, you're mansplaining. Overall, men are getting the message to feel shame for their masculine behavior before they have a chance to explore the world beyond the classroom.

But is there a place for masculinity in modern society, and how should a man go about finding success in love in real life? If masculinity is as toxic as critics seem to say, this is in search of healthy masculinity, finding a place for men in today's world.

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Back to our story: there's a movement that started online that believes that the disparaging of masculinity is actually about women trying to control men. Some say it's run by the "Matrix"—people in power with evil motives. This movement suggests that you can either take the blue pill and keep living in The Matrix, where masculinity is controlled, or you can take the red pill and free yourself with the freedom to embrace traditional masculinity more boldly than ever.

The red pill is a movement that started on Reddit but has grown significantly over the last 10 years. Its followers believe that women are always trying to trick men into reproduction and financial support, even though it may seem that women want a deeper emotional connection.

Red pill followers believe that they will never be able to love men the way men want to be loved. Women have their reproductive goals, which prevent them from fulfilling the emotional needs of men. Followers also attribute women's desire for an emotional and sexual connection to an influence from the feminist Matrix.

Women have a deep yearning to convince men to consent to exploitative relationships where men serve the reproductive and financial needs of women. Red pill believers reinforce their worldview by loosely drawing on evolutionary psychology. They suggest that women evolve physiological mechanisms to deceive men into being generous partners and help their offspring survive.

And since all women supposedly have this Machiavellian instinct, it's justifiable for men to have their own Machiavellian mindset. Deep intimacy is considered one of the ways that women succeed in manipulating men for reproductive events. The red pill solution is to withhold any emotional vulnerability and treat women like a commodity instead.

His followers do this by learning the seductive qualities of alpha males to sleep with what they consider attractive women. This involves subconsciously convincing the women that they—the men—have good genes for reproducing. Books like "The 48 Laws of Power" and strategies like negging are used for this purpose. To pursue a relationship by trying to make an emotional connection or by sharing finances is how beta males do it, and this is unacceptable to the red pill movement.

Men must fulfill their evolutionary destiny and be the alphas. Red pill is the core philosophy of a broader movement called the "manosphere." It contains a number of groups, like men's rights activists and pickup artists, all united under the belief that society is biased against men. From their perspective, our world has been corrupted by feminists.

The manosphere is propped up by several big influencers. You've probably heard about Andrew Tate—he is one of the most well-known online. He's a former kickboxing champion who pushes materialism and self-reliance as a way of finding happiness. Tate is also a proud proponent of red pill values, and although he's been banned from most social media platforms, he still manages to push his ideas of gender roles and women-hating in general.

I think it's also important to note that, in early 2023, he was arrested on charges of sexual assault and human trafficking. Like most manosphere influencers, he fashions himself as a self-help guru. He acts as a voice to lead young men at a point in time when many young men feel lost.

What you might not know about Tate and other influencers like him is that this leadership role comes with enormous profit. Andrew Tate has earned over $100 million from his self-help brand. Where does the money come from? Young men. He sells them the idea that the Matrix was designed to keep them poor, only to turn around and ask them to pay money for his courses and seminars.

The relationship between manosphere influencers and their followers is exploitative. These influencers are invested in keeping men unhappy. This is why a big part of their messaging is that men continue to be maligned. They give followers the impression that they need the likes of Andrew Tate and Eliott Hulse to keep guiding them through a world where males are oppressed.

The evolutionary theories the manosphere relies on aren't very sound themselves—they're lifted from existing evolutionary theory in a very fast-and-loose way. And even if they were accurate, we'd no longer live in that mythical savannah they describe as the origin of humanity.

Humans have long established large societies with varying sets of rules and conventions. Natural selection doesn't apply as much anymore, and hasn't for a very, very long time. It's also widely inaccurate to suggest that all women follow their reproductive instincts. It's clear to see that many women aren't interested in having children and would prefer to focus that energy elsewhere.

Sure, men and women still may have some of these evolutionary instincts, but we can put them aside, and largely do. All of the evolutionary theorizing of red pillers just adds up to a weak excuse to exploit women for sex, while ignoring men's actual needs, and it's where the whole conversation falls apart. The culture is supposed to help men, but it doesn't.

It discourages men from trusting their inherent desire for intimate relationships. Emotional intimacy is crucial for our mental health. Studies have shown that it reduces stress and anxiety by allowing us to talk about our struggles. When we express these feelings openly, we lighten the burden on our minds.

This is why we crave emotional intimacy with others. These influencers spout statistics like the suicide rate of men, but never talk about the real cause of high rates of unhappiness and sadness in men—which is the lack of intimacy. A survey of over 127,000 American adults found that married men are healthier and live longer than unmarried or divorced men.

And while these influencers would be quick to jump in here and say that it's because women only marry wealthy men, it's not really the case at all. In fact, men with health problems actually marry earlier and are less likely to divorce. It just goes to show you how little real women in the world care about superficial things and how loyal they can be when they find a man they love.

The manosphere self-help gurus are fostering emotional frustration, which serves them well because a man who isn't emotionally frustrated in some way wouldn't need their guidance, and the gurus would lose their income stream. So for them to keep making money, you have to continue to be frustrated and unsatisfied with your life.

They prop up old standards of masculinity, which has always been tough on those who don't fit the mold. There's a small part of the manosphere that believes they're physically or mentally incapable of living up to the standards of what they picture to be ideal masculinity. Instead of accepting themselves for who they are, they refuse to give in to what they consider "beta male" ways of seeking love, and are often left depressed and suicidal as a result.

I'm referring to the seemingly tortured existence of the incel community. Standards of masculinity are also often the cause of a troubled relationship between men and their health. These standards can prevent men from getting the help they need in a crisis. Less than half of men with depression seek treatment, and like I said earlier, the rate of male suicides is much higher than that of females.

The masculine notion of self-reliance gets in the way of getting men help. These standards limit what men can be and how they can bring happiness into their lives. Having learned all this, the question that keeps coming up in my mind is: if masculinity is such a negative force, then is it even a belief that is worth holding on to?

Because in the end, I'm still a man, and I still want to be masculine. So, how can I find a way to be masculine in a way that actually benefits me and everyone around me? A lot of men, for better or for worse, find meaning in being masculine. It gives them a sense of purpose. It guides them through the interactions and the problems in their lives.

The truth is that when you look at some of the traits of masculinity in isolation, they're really not that bad. Is there anything wrong with being physically strong? Sometimes overcoming our emotions is a positive thing. For example, we might be nervous about breaking up with someone, but we shouldn't avoid our responsibility to end things in person.

Avoiding someone out of fear causes more harm than good. Ghosting can be devastating for people, especially deeper into a relationship. Getting through a tough job by showing resilience has obvious benefits in your work and home life. This trait is valued in just about every career and relationship.

When I started thinking about this, I realized that the problem isn't really the virtues of masculinity but the obligation put upon men. When we enforce the idea of masculinity, we create limitations and harm. What’s traditionally considered masculinity should be a choice, with no social demands or pressure—a choice that anyone can make, regardless of what gender they were born with.

The pressure off men may be more likely to seek help when they need it. They could feel more at ease by releasing their burdens and open conversations about their feelings. Their mental health can improve, and so can their relationships. Many men have non-masculine traits that are beyond their control. Continuing to enforce these rules on them is cruel, like forcing a square peg into a round hole.

The same goes for trying to prevent women from having traditionally masculine traits. Most of the qualities of masculinity are also present in women and have been long before Western gender roles became more loosely defined. What I mean is that even traditional housewives that are propped up today as the symbol of femininity have masculine traits.

Domestic work requires toughness. Raising children demands emotional restraint. Because these tasks were traditionally done by women, they were considered feminine, but the reality is domestic work demands both masculine and feminine qualities. This was most evident when men left to serve in World War II. The women went to work in the factories to keep the economy going.

These women were tough, fearless, and not afraid to get their hands dirty when the occasion needed it. If that isn't masculine, I really don't know what is. Unlike some of the all-caps writers online, I don't think men should feel ashamed for being masculine. But I don't think they should be ashamed for being feminine either.

We should be free to pursue our identity how we see fit—whether that's being physically strong or crying tears into our cocktails. No one should be robbed of the full range of possibilities life offers. If there's one thing to avoid, it's the deceitfulness used by people like Andrew Tate in the manosphere.

While working on our identity as men, it shouldn't come at the cost of others' well-being, because honestly, the most masculine trait is making sure that everyone feels safe when they're around you. You might get judged for living the life that's true to you, so you need to watch this video next to discover the courage to be disliked. Armed with that knowledge, you'll be equipped to live your life authentically, without fear of judgment or ridicule.