My thoughts on money and relationships

What's up you guys? It's Graham here. So, a little over a year ago, I posted a video about why I was single and, uh, well, lo and behold, weird timing, but right after I posted the video, I met my girlfriend, Macy. Since then, I've largely shut the door on addressing relationship topics here on the channel because, well, we're an investment channel. We keep things money-related around here.

But I also know that many of you have been asking for my thoughts on money in relationships and whether or not it complicates things, and how to go about meeting someone else who's financially like-minded. So, I'll give in; I'll share my experiences and exactly what I've learned along the way.

Because, listen, I get it. As fun as it could be to build up your career, invest consistently, grow your wealth, increase your credit score, and smash the like button for the YouTube algorithm, at the end of the day, I'm sure most of you aren't just doing this to watch your bank account multiply in zeros. You would love to meet a partner along the way, someone with whom you could share those experiences and grow in the same direction.

So here's my experience when it comes to this, and I say this as a now 30-year-old who has been laser-focused on career-driven improvements and extremely frugal. Well, actually, I'm going to refer to it as being diligently financially responsible because that sounds a lot better. I know this video is not necessarily investment-related, but I think when we really get down to it, it's a very important subject that I think more people should openly talk about.

So I'll start as soon as you smash that like button for the YouTube algorithm. That like button better not be single! So just by giving it a quick tap, you're telling it that you will love and cherish it forever. So thanks so much, and let's begin right here.

First, I want to talk about something that I see commented a lot, and that's the notion that money complicates things, or it becomes very difficult to tell if someone likes you for you or if they like you for what you have. I come at this from a very unique viewpoint. On the one hand, I'm extremely open about how much money I make and from where, probably to a fault, because you could look me up and it's all right there, right out in the open.

But on the other hand, I love saving money and trying to find new ways to cut back on my spending. Like, until recently, I would use my grocery bags as trash bags, so it saved me a few cents. And I would save the restaurant condiment packets because I didn't want to buy my own bottle of ketchup and soy sauce. Yeah, you can't tell me that women see that and they're like, “Yeah, I met the perfect guy! The other night, he told me he hasn't bought a bottle of ketchup in years, and he uses grocery bags as trash bags. That's when I knew he was the one!”

Here's what I've realized over the years: You will attract what you think you're worth, and what you put out there and how you portray yourself will have a direct effect on the type of people you meet and how they view you. This goes much further than just relationships, by the way. This includes friends, business colleagues, acquaintances—you name it.

If you lead and attract people with flashy cars, clothing, and status, you will tend to attract the people who are most receptive to those qualities. There's a saying out there that says that like attracts like, and you subconsciously gravitate towards people who share your same beliefs. If you're a negative person, guess what? You're going to be turning away the positive and gravitating towards other negative-thinking people who reaffirm exactly what you believe. Or, if you have low self-esteem, you're going to be subconsciously more comfortable around other people with low self-esteem, because that's what you believe you're capable of receiving.

I say this because if you're worried about attracting the wrong type of person, not always but usually it has to do with how you portray yourself to others. It's up to you to reevaluate what type of people you're bringing into your life and if they're the right type of fit for you.

When it comes to myself, I've never tried to hide who I am and how much I value financial responsibility. I enjoy saving money. I like investing. I like parking a few blocks away so I don't have to pay a parking meter, and I like getting good deals. By shamelessly putting it out there, I happen to meet someone else who shares those exact same values, except she doesn't like when I use grocery bags as trash bags. I agreed to compromise, but we still do laundry during off-peak electrical hours.

Here's what I'm getting at: If you want to meet someone who thinks the same way you do and shares those same beliefs, that is what you need to make known from the very beginning. Be exactly who you are and don't be apologetic about it. If you embrace exactly what you're looking for and you believe in what you're doing, it's going to make it that much easier to find someone else who thinks the exact same way.

I also don't think it's unreasonable to place an emphasis on financial compatibility. I know money has previously been this taboo topic that no one talks about because it's not proper etiquette, but I think it's a very realistic component to any long-term relationship. Logistically, when you're in a serious relationship, you need to be upfront with how you plan to manage your finances and whether or not your long-term goals will clash with each other.

For example, if one person is a "live in the moment, spend money today because you could die tomorrow" type, and the other person is deeply into early retirement with the intention of spending as little money as possible so it could last the rest of their lives, eventually, something has to give. If one person compromises their own beliefs for the other, eventually that could lead to resentment, and in a relationship, that's never healthy.

I personally think that everyone has their own right to how they want to live their lives and how they want to spend their money. It's not a one-size-fits-all approach. Even though I preach the gospel of trying to save as much money as possible so you could go and invest it, I'm actually only talking to a really small portion of the entire population out there that enjoys that and resonates with what I have to say. Anyone else is free to do whatever they want, and I have no ill feelings towards that.

But it's important to acknowledge that if you're gonna have a long-term relationship and partner, that your beliefs should ideally line up about finances and what goals are important to save for. Remember, this has nothing to do with how much money someone makes. I've seen people make five hundred thousand dollars a year, yet they're the most financially irresponsible people I've ever met, who constantly seem to live paycheck to paycheck.

Just like I've seen other people who make twenty-five thousand dollars a year yet somehow managed to save half of it. This is just about financial responsibility and setting the expectation and framework upfront about what works with you and what doesn't.

Generally, it's important that both people have a healthy, positive attitude towards finances, and as long as there's an emphasis on working together towards a unified goal, how much money each person makes is somewhat irrelevant. Remember, there's no right or wrong or best or worst; it's just what works with you. You want to make sure that you have a similar outlook on saving, spending, investing, borrowing, debt, and cost of living. Then you've got to find a balance that you enjoy.

And don't expect everyone is going to agree with that or work with that, and that's perfectly okay. I would say just the clearer you are about what you want, the more likely you are to find someone who shares those same beliefs.

With that, it's also important to acknowledge that you can't change someone. The saying "what you see is what you get" is probably a realistic mantra of what to expect. Like, if you're dating someone with terrible spending habits, don't expect that you could change that person in any type of meaningful way without that person actually wanting to change.

Like they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, and that could be true with just about any facet of any relationship. That's why I've learned that, over time, you can't expect a person to change for you, nor you for them. Now, that's not to say there shouldn't be any amount of compromise because that's to be expected. But fundamentally, if you see flaws in a person that you're trying to fix in order for them to fit the mold of exactly what you're looking for, then most likely they're probably not the right fit for you, as hard as that might be to acknowledge.

Again, people could certainly change, but they need to want to do it for themselves in order for that change to be long-lasting. Otherwise, you'll likely be setting yourself up for disappointment.

With a topic like this, it's impossible to talk in absolutes because people are, well, people. We don't always make sense, we're not always logical and predictable, and many times your own ego can throw things wildly off. But relatively speaking, if you can expect and accept the other person for who they are, and that works for you, then great. If not, then it's better to recognize that sooner than later, so you can free yourself up to meet someone else who might be a better fit.

My advice, at least from my own experience, is that when you're looking for something or trying to get into a relationship, you tend not to find it. Instead, the best way to meet someone is organically, as you're already going through your own path and purpose. And it just so happens, by focusing on yourself and being comfortable with who you are first, you're naturally going to put yourself out there in such a way that people gravitate towards you.

From that, you tend to meet other great like-minded people who are a really good fit. That's not just for relationships, by the way, but this also applies to friends and colleagues.

Also, nothing about dating or being in a relationship needs to be expensive either. Like, Macy and I will go to dinner and split a meal most of the time because the portions are just massive. Or we'll make dinner at home and try to make our way through watching season 5 of Dexter. Sometimes it's just the smallest, most basic things or really the experiences that you'll never forget.

Being in a relationship does not mean driving around Ferraris and chartering helicopters for wine tasting in Santa Barbara on Sunday. What matters the most is just the thought behind it, and being in a relationship does not need to be expensive.

Finally, I know I can't talk about money in relationships without addressing the elephant in the room that I have been asked about for years now that I've never addressed, and that would be my thoughts on prenuptial agreements.

Now, for anyone who's not aware, this is an agreement that clarifies how things like money, investments, and assets will be divided before getting married. Now, here's the thing: I realize how sensitive of a topic this is and how it's often warped into this notion of "make sure you don't lose out on your money."

But when you take a step back from a practical standpoint, what a prenup really accomplishes is an agreement between two people that can be used instead of relying on a state's template in terms of a separation. As it stands, without a prenuptial agreement, your financial contract is one with the state, not one that's tailored and customized between two individuals.

So this agreement outlines the expectations upfront in the event something were to happen. Oftentimes, this also brings up very important discussions that I think are worth having before getting married. This is up to both of you to decide what's fair, but I don't think a prenup in any way invalidates a relationship or implies that you're planning for failure. In fact, I actually think the opposite.

Even though you don't plan to get in a car accident, you still wear a seatbelt. You still get health insurance, even though you don't plan on getting ill. You still get home insurance, even though you don't anticipate anything happening to your house. It's precautionary, but the best case is that it never mattered anyway, and the worst case is that both parties have already agreed to the terms ahead of time, so they know exactly what to expect in terms of what's fair.

Well, that's really for two people to decide, and that's way above my qualifications to ever give any type of advice on this. What people decide to do amongst themselves is totally fine with me, as long as both people are okay with it and agree with it.

But a prenuptial agreement, to me, could be a healthy agreement with very little downside, even though you never expect it to come into play anyway.

Listen, at the end of the day, a relationship could bring an immense amount of joy into your life in so many immeasurable ways. But it's just as equally important to make sure you're attracting the people who are the right fit for you and being totally upfront with who you are, what you want, and what you expect, without doing things purposely just to get into a relationship.

Ideally, I think it's really important to learn how to be comfortable with yourself first so that you can build the confidence of being self-sufficient as a person. Something like that just comes with time, and there's no rush and there's no race to the finish line. Relationships are an incredible and integral growing and learning experience as a person, and it's not something to shy away from because you believe money complicates things.

Learning how to showcase exactly who you are and what you stand for is not only a quality that a future partner will appreciate, but it's also going to help shape you into a more confident person in general. The sooner you get in the habit of doing this, the easier it's going to be in the future.

This basically all just comes down to this: You are the sum of your own actions, and it's important to take responsibility for the decisions that you've made, so let this decision be one of them.

And smash the like button for the YouTube algorithm because it means a lot, and I really appreciate it. Alright, I read exactly what you told me to say word for word. Gonna go now.

Yeah, I guess so. Are we gonna go get me those Louboutins now, and the matching Ferrari? I guess so.

Alright, with that said, you guys, thank you so much for watching! I really appreciate it, as always. Make sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell. Also, feel free to add me on Instagram; I posted pretty much daily, so if you want to be a part of it there, feel free to add me there or on my second channel, The Graham Stephan Show. I post there every single day I’m not posting here, so if you want to see a brand new video from me every single day, make sure to add yourself to that.

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