Your Most Powerful Negotiation Tool: The Illusion of Control | FBI Negotiator Chris Voss | Big Think

The secret to gaining the upper hand in negotiations is giving the other side the illusion of control. And the illusion of control is typically best given with either questions that begin with the words what or how. Well, what and how should be the form of nearly any question where you're trying to gather information. And it's actually one of the ways we say no. The first and best way to say no to anyone is, "How am I supposed to do that?"

Now, the other side actually has no idea as to the number of things you've done with them at the same time. You conveyed to them you have a problem. It's something that we also referred to as forced empathy because one of the reasons why we exercise tactical empathy is because we want the other side to see us fairly. We want them to see our position; we want them to see the issues we have; we want them to see the constraints that we have.

And when you say to somebody, "How am I supposed to do that?" you make them take a look at your situation before they respond. And they think about it in a number of different ways. A number of different people I've coached through negotiations who have felt completely helpless, they felt completely taken hostage. In one instance, a woman thought she was taken hostage to the future, and she just wasn't getting paid. They called her up to give her more work, and we taught her to say, trained her, counseled her to say, "How am I supposed to do that?" They thought about it for a while, and they said, "You're right, you can't."

I've noticed that response is not word for word directly responsive to her question; what they responded to was they felt like she said to them, "I can't do this anymore. I've reached my limit." And it's a way to establish a limit in a way that doesn't back the other side into a corner. You really want to be able to let out no a little bit at a time. And the first way to start letting out no as an answer is, "How am I supposed to do that?"

Now, ultimately with that question, we all imagine that the other side is going to say, "Because I said so" or "Because you have to." That's actually where you ultimately want to be with that question. Because when you say, "How am I supposed to do that?" and the other side says, "Because if you want this deal, you'll have to," what you've just found out is they've been pushed to the limit on that issue as far as they'll go.

And that paternal question is, "Have I gotten everything I could that was on the table?" That's a great way to find out whether or not you've gotten everything you could on that particular term. Because the other side's most angry response is, "Because you have to," which is not them walking away. It's not them terminating the deal. It's not them giving you any more of an ultimatum; it's them saying, "No, I've got no more room to give without the negotiations breaking off."

So giving the other side the illusion of control while signaling limits, it's a great way to stay in the conversation and find out that you're not leaving anything on the table. I was coaching a real estate negotiation recently, and the agent was trying to lease a very expensive home in the Hollywood Hills. And the first time they said to the leasing agent, "How are we supposed to do that?" the leasing agent relented on a number of the terms.

The conversation continued for a while. They came to another term that was pretty much almost an impasse, and the person doing the negotiation says, "How are we supposed to do that?" And the leasing agent said, "If you want the house, you're going to have to do it," which was a confirmation that they've gotten as much as they could've out of that term.

So it's a great way to give the other side the illusion of control. Because many people need to feel like they're in control in a negotiation. And when they feel like they're out of control, they're impossible to deal with. So the more you let the other side feel like they're in control, the more amenable they are to collaboration. You really don't want people to feel out of control.