Money ruins relationships. Here’s how to fix that. | Your Brain on Money

Studies show that conflicts over money is one of the leading causes for marital dissatisfaction and divorce, especially in the first three years of marriage.

Why is money such a source of conflict in our relationships?

Quite often we're worried that we're gonna be judged, or maybe we're with somebody who's more controlling than we would like them to be.

The way that we think we are behaving with our money may be different than the way that our partner is experiencing financial decisions in our household.

You know, none of us are perfect around money. Somebody might be a spender, somebody might be a saver—but if you can work through these financial differences, then you can come out much stronger.

Having shared understanding about what you want money to do or mean in your relationship helps to set a foundation for so many other aspects of your relationship.

You'll have increased intimacy and increased marital satisfaction. It can be tricky, but it is really important to power through and to engage in those conversations.

So, how can we take the danger out of talking about money with our partner? This is "Your Brain on Money." Hello again, Dr. Kable. So how does the brain process this fear around the topic of money, especially when it comes to a romantic relationship?

Romantic relationships are important to our lives. Threats of exclusion, threats of losing that relationship, are one of the strongest drivers of the areas of the brain that register pain. The same areas of the brain that register physical pain, the potential for losing that close relationship is perceived as a very serious cost.

And when people get so in their heads around money, they think, “If we start to talk about money it could ruin the relationship.”

They'll come in and they'll say something like this to me: "We don't talk about money because when we talk about money, we fight. So we don't talk about money ever, except for when we have to."

So conflicts are inevitable, and they often offer an opportunity for us to improve our relationship with money. When you're struggling with your partner, not seeing eye to eye, understanding that this is an opportunity, perhaps, for you to modify your beliefs around money so that you can be healthier around money.

Okay, so we all perceive things differently, which is why it's so important for couples to align on their money goals. So, how do they do it?

It's complicated. We don't have a lot of modeling for it— and talking about money is hard because often when we talk about it, our emotions are already high.

The stakes are high in that it can be a little bit scarier to engage in these conversations because you love that person, that person loves you. You're building a life together.

And when do we have to talk about money in a relationship? When things big are happening, like, "Oh shoot, I got fired." Or, "Oh my gosh, I got a great job opportunity." Or, "Oh, by the way, the car's totaled. What are we gonna do?" And so when you're only talking about money when things are tense, it creates this feedback loop, this self-fulfilling prophecy of: "If we talk about money, we fight." So the answer is then, "We just don't talk about it." But that's just not the best way forward.

You might be nervous or anxious or overwhelmed or you saw other family members or parents struggle with this— but here's your chance for it not to take you and your relationship out. And that means, yes, being vulnerable and dealing with some stuff that's really hard. Really ask yourself, “Do you want a successful relationship?” “Do you want a happy relationship?” A lot of ways that we can have these conversations without it being conflictual really starts with our tone and our posture. How are we communicating? Are we coming from a one-up position as if we know better? Are we coming with a way that just makes our partner feel less than— or are we communicating? "You know, when you said that that particular way, that really affected me." The more that we are having conversation— we're being open, vulnerable, and just being willing to hear our partner— that can really help.

It's very important, also, for both partners to be financially literate and for one to not yield responsibility for the finances to the other. This can set people up for financial abuse, for financial infidelity, a lack of financial stability. It's really important for both partners to be on the same page with how we're managing money, where the money's going, because chances are both will need to do that at some point in their lives.

For some couples, the language we use can be crucial. For example, the word “budget” can bring up lots of negative emotions.

When we think of a budget, we think of cutting out all the things that we enjoy in life. What a terrible emotional experience. And to do that with your partner is even worse 'cause you get to sit across the table and point at each other and all the stuff they love, and tell them they gotta cut it out. It's the absolute wrong way to approach it. What you need to do is develop a 'spending plan.' Ooh, doesn't that feel better? Like, what do you wanna spend your money on? What matters to you? What are the most important things to you? Picturing yourself in the future, what are you doing? What are your goals? What does retirement look like to you? Get very, very specific.

Because money is a taboo topic for a lot of us, we oftentimes don't uncover the experiences of our partner when it comes to finances: how they grew up with money, what they did at a young age.

It's really important for us to understand not only our money history, but our partner's money history because our behaviors around money— our hangups around money, our mistakes around money— all make perfect sense when you understand the history.

And so, taking some of the tension out of these money conversations starts with understanding perspective so that you're not going into a financial conversation setting off a bunch of emotional and psychological triggers that they have around money.

And it also gives you an avenue for resolving it. It's not about right or wrong, it's about getting to a mutual understanding— sometimes compromising, and sometimes agreeing to disagree.

Because when we talk about money with our partner, we're creating plans to make sure that we have covered our fears, and we're working towards our goals and dreams— and that rekindles that intimacy, and can really strengthen that relationship.