NERD WARS: Captain America vs. xXx (Vin Diesel)

Hootie-hoo! Yeah, we've been listening to your suggestions for people to beat the crap out of Vin Diesel or Marvel characters that want to get their ass kicked by Vin Diesel. Either way, we listen to your suggestion and here's what we come up with: an epic nerve XXX versus Captain America or how Vin Diesel kicks the crap out of America.

I'm, as always, picking the side of non-comic characters, and Adam is picking the losing side.

"Alright, let's go ahead and start arguing for Captain America."

"Well, Captain America is, you know, bionically enhanced. I mean, he's got it! He's superhuman; he's the epitome of humans. You can't get more powerful than Captain America and still be a human."

"And Diesel? Till you realize Captain America's only weapon is a shield. I don't know if you've ever played a game shield or defensive weapon."

"No, actually, it's like just shoot now. Round the shield? No, because I've ever seen a Roman failings go up against a modern army. It doesn't turn out too well for the Roman failings. I've been doing it in Step 5 lately."

"Captain America’s shield is adamantium, alright? And he can control it with his mind."

"Ready? No, because Captain America done—Captain America has like friggin' cat-like reflexes. He can deflect the bullets with his shield, and he’s a master with the shield! You can't shoot past Captain America's shield. It's kind of part of what he is."

"It's part of what he is. Yes, impossible. Read a freaking book!"

"I don't really afraid of pickles because I know physics."

"I know I visit; you're wrong! You know math, English?"

"Yeah, not only the only reason he likes Vin Diesel is because Vin Diesel's bald."

"Alright, and that's the one he gets the ladies."

"You what ladies? Have you watched The Pacifier? There’s not a single woman in The Pacifier."

"Have you watched XXX?"

"Yeah, I have watched my dues all control."

"When did you see? Did you see the woman that XXX gets? She was [ __ ] hot! Yeah, she was the hottest crack [ __ ] I've ever seen."

"Yes! So much harder than all the time! Yet, to see Captain America getting a porn scene in a comic with Wasp, with Wasp? A porn station X-Amin."

"Yeah, I want to see them both naked rather than eight on a bed. There’s insertion!"

"There’s insertion my ass!"

"Yes? No, no. Because it's a straight—get that—that's what she's—my ass, uh-huh."

"No, no, no! Why don't you argue why XXX would beat Captain America? Let's hear this."

"XXX is a freakin' boat!"

"So XXX was his military advisor or whatever that guy was with Samuel L. Jackson."

"We don't need no snakes on the [ __ ] planes! Samuel L. Jackson!"

"Whoa, wait a minute! You mean the Samuel Jackson who plays Nick Fury? The guy who, you know, organizes Captain America's events? You know, the guy who kind of leads the Avengers initiative? Nick friggin' Fury?!"

"Now that’s gonna be your guess. Because I got a XXX—he had a better haircut than he didn't. Nick Fury in Triple X? He looked like a burnt 70s porn star!"

"No, that's what I loved about— that's— that a good luck!"

"You know, we're in agreement, right?"

"No, no, we're not in agreement! Manson America wins, right?"

"Yes, Captain America wins!"

"As Zooming, Triple X is asleep, and unless they're doing the X Games. Because I got news for you, snowboarding down a mountain and setting off grenades to cause your own avalanche? Not really effective against Captain America! Because, um, it’s crap!"

"I didn't know that Captain America was immune to avalanches."

"Here’s another thing! Oh yeah, the shield protects them against avalanches."

"Yes? No, no!"

"Yeah, no, yeah!"

"This shield is apparently like an all-in-one-er. It's like The Slap Chop!"

"Okay, well, now let a slap chop a defensive weapon. Captain America has already been frozen in ice once for like 50 years. Didn't do any damage to him whatsoever.”

"What's an avalanche gonna do? Annoy him for 50 years? Nothing gives you nothing!"

"You're right; nothing! And you know what he do after the avalanche? He'd be frozen; he'd come back, beat the [ __ ] out of Triple X."

"Well, with this defensive weapon—"

"Oh then, this one's going to Vin Diesel!"

"No, I have another one!"

"Will ever know? Indeed!"

"Oh, it's not fair! In a couple weeks, it's not over! Keep posting your suggestions! Thank you very much, just do that!"

"You, you!"