Why loneliness feels so real, even when it’s not | Kasley Killam

• From a very young age, we're programmed to think that that person who's by themselves is a loner. We project a story about that person is perhaps not likable or perhaps they don't have what is needed in order to be embedded in a group. There's this stigma right off the bat that we learn growing up where, if you're alone, something's wrong with you. So when we feel lonely, we're more likely to start to ruminate, to catastrophize in social situations, and to get caught up in these sort of negative thought patterns and beliefs that then influence our behaviors—but they also influence our brains and our bodies.

But we can actually broaden the Perception Box that you're living in, and help you to feel more connected, and overcome that isolated experience of loneliness. My name's Kasley Killam. I am the author of "The Art and Science of Connection," and I am an expert in social health. Our perceptions and the stories that we tell ourselves about feeling lonely in turn change the behaviors that we go out and do in the world. Someone who feels disconnected goes into a social interaction with their guard up. They feel more anxious, they're hypervigilant, they're a little bit more self-conscious, and that influences the interaction that they have with that other person. That might make them come across more negatively, and actually cause the very thing that they were worried about, which is it doesn't go as well as they hoped because they're coming from that mindset of limiting beliefs.

In contrast, if you go into a social opportunity believing that the other person is going to like you, feeling confident about who you are, having a solid relationship with yourself, that's going to empower you to be more open and receptive to connecting in a way that actually helps you overcome loneliness, that actually helps you develop a more meaningful relationship. The culture around us also shapes how we understand our own experiences of loneliness and connection. In general, across studies, we see that the more individualistic a culture, the more lonely people feel within that country. In contrast, in collectivistic cultures, people put greater emphasis on family and on group harmony.

There are different norms and expectations around how we should be relating to one another. People in more individualistic countries might feel more lonely, but they actually might have an easier time making new friends or branching out and joining new communities because there isn't that same societal expectation for them to stay with their original family unit and their original friends. In contrast, when people experience loneliness in more collectivistic countries, we see that they have different health outcomes. So if you feel lonely and the societal expectation that you've grown up learning is that you need to be connected to your family, and it's so important for you to be embedded with other people, then that mismatch between what you're feeling and what the story is in your head about what you should be feeling, is so great that we see that people have worse health outcomes as a result of feeling lonely in those kinds of cultures.

Loneliness starts out as a thought pattern or an emotion. This actually triggers a stress response in our body that is associated with heightened levels of cortisol; that's associated with more inflammation, which weakens our immune systems and actually makes us more susceptible to disease. If we start to understand that health is not only physical and mental, it's also social—that's going to change our behaviors. We're going to seek out connection and prioritize friendship and community and family because we know that it's good for us. Our social lives are rewiring our brains, and in turn, changing the experience that we have inside of our bodies.

We can see this in the neuroscience research: In one study, people went through mild electric shocks while looking at photos of either their romantic partner or a complete stranger. What researchers found was that people who were looking at a photo of their romantic partners reported feeling less fearful, and the brain activity in the regions associated with pain was lower. People's perception differs according to whether or not they feel connected to another person. Imagine that more broadly: if you think about having rich friendships and being embedded in your community and having a really strong sense of support, that's going to completely transform the way that you experience the world.

Reacting to stressful life events, navigating the highs and lows that we all go through, all of that is more manageable if we have those core relationships to rely on to feel supported. Loneliness is not a reflection on who we are; it's a reflection of what we need. It's information; it's data. Being optimally socially healthy for you might be different than someone else based on how much socializing you enjoy, and what kinds of connection feel fulfilling to you. One of the most effective approaches for helping people overcome loneliness is addressing their thoughts and their beliefs. Connection with yourself is as important as connection with other people. So one way to develop a closer relationship with yourself as a foundation for connecting with other people is through meditation.

And one practice that I personally love is 'self-compassion meditation,' where you focus the love that you feel for other people toward yourself. Prior to creating that solid foundation with myself, I had struggled to be vulnerable and to open up to my friends and loved ones. By feeling unconditional love for myself, I felt more comfortable opening up and being vulnerable. And we know from the research that in order to develop meaningful relationships, we need to be vulnerable. It creates trust; it engenders emotional intimacy. By creating that solid foundation with myself, I was better poised to engage in those more meaningful conversations with other people.

One of the best ways to start connecting again is to help someone else, do an act of service. Go volunteer in your community. It's this beautiful way of broadening our thinking and seeing new opportunities—snapping us out of the mindset of loneliness and the negative feelings and thought patterns that that can incur. A lot of times, people don't feel lonely and that isn't something that they necessarily identify with, and yet, maybe there are other ways that they can be socially healthy. Loneliness is just one sign of poor social health. Every single person needs to prioritize their social health, whether or not they feel lonely.